A guy I know was flirting with the cashier, and she ignored him. When he said “How about a thank you?” She leaned toward him, and said “It’s printed on your receipt.”
You Might Also Like
A costumer just said to me that my daughter and I look like twins. And I was like, “Well, we were separated at birth.”
i wanna smoke whatever the people who got hype about seeing a bird and a plane before they realized it was superman were smoking
My mom texted to say she found my younger son’s water bottle in her car and I was like, “yeah, he pretty much sheds reusable water bottles, Hot Wheels and raincoats”
Wife *yelling from other room* you’re making bread? Why are you making bread?
Me: Everyone in lockdown is doing it
Duck *holding gun* good answer
[waiting at the dentist]
Me: *eating a sleeve of Oreos while maintaining eye contact with the receptionist*
Any atheists here can confirm if this is true?
My phone: 58%.
My husband’s phone: 7%.
Me: Honey, I need your charger.
why are they throwing soup at paintings when my mouth is right here
My 9yo drew a picture of me throwing away their drawings which, ironically, is going to be the one picture I save.
The CEO of IKEA has been elected the Prime Minister of Sweden…He’s currently assembling his cabinet.
*smoke detector chirps*
me*takes battery out*
*chirp*
me*cuts wires*
*chirp*
me*smashes it with a hammer*
*chirp*
wife:We have more than one
My kid upon learning his actual name is Charles and not Charlie
Interviewer: Tell me about your future plans.
Me: You mean, like, just tomorrow, or for, like, the whole weekend?
Calm down white moms on dish detergent commercials, no wife is EVER that excited about dishes. Ever.
When my 4 year old asked where babies come from my toddler immediately responded, “mail man.” Now I feel like I owe my husband a phone call and we need to cut back on our online shopping.
ME: What’s that on your wrist?
CO-WORKER: It’s a step tracker. It tells me how many steps I’ve taken throughout the day.
ME: Great! Do you like mine? *holds out arm*
CW: That’s just a regular watch.
ME: I know…it tells me how many hours I’ve got left until bedtime.
Them: you haven’t been to the gym in a while
Me: I had a cold
Them: it’s been 7 months
Me: I had a lot of colds
No matter how many shocking surprises life throws at you, you’re never quite prepared to hear a British person pronounce the word “vitamin”
When planning dinner, remember that ice cream has both calcium and protein
My 5 year old said he’s not going to say a word until the bread pops up from the toaster so I unplugged it.
*checks watch*
*gets up off toilet*
I don’t have time for this shit
Me: Any deathbed confessions?Him: Wtf I’m just napping
Me: Shhh, don’t fight it. Go into the light
Him: Get that flashlight out of my face
*walks into confessional, closes door and sits down*
Me: Alright. Look alive over there, Father, I’ve had a pretty wild week…
*Midwesterners validating weather*
-20 out: “it wouldn’t be that cold without the wind”
99 degrees: “i’m only sweating because of the humidity”
20 degrees: “honestly if ya stand in the sun it’s not that bad”
47 degrees: driving with the windows down bc it’s finally “nice out”
What kind of key opens the door to a haunted house
A spoo-key.
When I’m guilted into going to a dinner party I didn’t want to, I like to sneak off into the kitchen and slip a few small pieces of LEGO into the pepper grinder that’ll be used at the table. That way dinner is colourful and festive.
Cookie Monster have other things going. Whole life not just cookie.
My bank assures me my money is safe with them, yet they keep their pens chained to desks and most of them are missing.
the only time I can imagine clicking on a Facebook story is maybe if I got attacked by a bird while trying to do something else
I just let a raccoon loose in my kitchen just so I’d have something to do tomorrow.