4yo: fold me like a towel
Me: what?
4yo: FOLD ME
Me: okaaay
4yo: stack me on top of the towels
Me: what?
4yo: STACK ME
Parenthood is wild
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“my 7th grader is reading at a 9th grade level” ok big deal, my doctor told me my body is aging at a 73 year old level.
Chicks love guys with tattoos cuz it means they’re willing to commit to something stupid for the rest of their lives…
[man walks into a bar]
Horse bartender: Why the short face? SEE? SEE? IT’S NOT COOL!
Good night cop: Want the light on or off? Sweet dreams kiddo.
Bad night cop: You will go to sleep or I will put you to sleep.
‘You’re beautiful and I love you,” I yelled as I stood alone on the cliff, and my echo replied “I just want to be friends.”
Who cares if you break a damn mirror. If you think 7 years of bad luck is hell, try breaking a condom.
Every fifteen minutes, a teenager crashes his car due to texting and driving. I hope he gives up, because he’s obviously not good at it.
I never believed in having a life coach until my 4yo advised me that I should always carry a spare pizza under my hat.
Girl math is buying 3L of wine because you’ll need to deglaze one pan.
im pitting my doctors against each other like divorced parents. tellin my dentist that the podiatrist said i can have sugar cubes
Her: We can’t drive the car, it’s stuck in the mud… Doesn’t it help if you put something under the back tires?
Me: Are you volunteering?
When you did see a few red flags but you’re sure you can change him
The most embarrassing moment of my life was when I called my teacher “mom” during sex.
[interviewing babysitter]
me: how much do you charge?
ipad:
Her: I really need to learn to say “no”.
Me: I’ll introduce you to my wife.
Why is “silly goose” a phrase have u ever met a goose they are the most serious and powerful dinosaur lookin monsters I’ve ever encountered not one of them is silly
Why not call baby pigs “hamlets” ?
Don’t get it. Heard the phrase “keep your friends clothes & keep your enemies clothes, sir”. Now I have a bunch of naked people angry at me.
R – E – S – P – E – C – T
J – K – L – M – N – O – P
GROUND CONTROL: Major Tom how you doin’ up there?
MAJOR TOM: Floating in a most peculiar way. The stars look very different today…
GROUND CONTROL: *hits mute button* Again with this guy. *releases button* That’s great. How ’bout we run through some flight diagnostics?
Hot Pockets- Now with 5 cheese!
Me- *adding both nacho and spray cheese* Amateurs
My muffin top has become a full blown birthday cake.
[playing trivia]
me: what year did rambo come out?
my wife: *gasp* rambo’s gay??
him, texting from the party: where did you go???
me, already home in bed: bathroom brb
If Seal was my friend, I would never miss an opportunity to ask him, “Wanna go clubbing?”
I bet the first person that “domesticated” a cat totally regretted it
My kids told me I have rizz and I feel flattered. Or insulted? Or confused. Definitely confused.
If one ex was drowning and the other was
dangling from a cliff-edge and you had one set of
ropes to save them….where would you hide it?
“How old are you? Wow, that’s really weird. That seems too young to be a bitch”
A lot of guys hate it when I put both my hands on their shoulders and ask if everything is all right.
The guy at the urinal next to me seems particularly upset.