To the guy who just sent me a Snapchat of him putting his ketchup in the refrigerator, well done. You’ve made a powerful enemy.
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killing the conversation in the discord by posting a picture of me eating an eggplant like an apple
if you take a selfie at a dad’s funeral, his hand will rise up out of the casket and give you bunny ears
my favorite part about fruit is when I run it under water for 3 seconds to convince myself it’s no longer covered in carcinogenic pesticides
*elbows date in ribs*
“see that asterisk next to the ‘have it your way’ slogan?”
where it says “within reason?”
“that’s because of me”
My manipulation started when I was young and I realized I could pretend to be asleep and someone would carry me to my bed.
I beat my personal best for competitive eating today, scoffing 34 hot dogs, including buns in under 15 minutes.
I don’t suppose I’ll be invited to any more of next doors’ BBQs, however.
*tries to impress date by eating spaghetti with a straw*
The sock thief who lives in our dryer has developed a taste for masks.
Thank you two-step authentication codes that expire after 60 seconds for providing Mission Impossible-type drama into my mundane suburban existence
In the 80s they used an egg in a frying pan to demonstrate a brain on drugs only because they didn’t have Twitter in the 80s
cleared my schedule so Friday me will have a great day but Monday me is gonna be PISSED
Sure I’ve got problems like everyone else but not enough to start a podcast.
People who bite popsicles, where are the bodies hidden?
Wife: *spreads picnic beneath large oak tree*
Me: No good
Wife: Why not?
Me: Seems shady
Wife: *attacks me with plastic cutlery*
I hope the zombies start with people that talk to me when I’m obviously counting.
fred: I can’t figure out who the monster is
scooby: that guy’s face smells like a rubber mask
fred: really no idea who it is
scooby: it’s him, it’s that guy–
fred: just no way to know
[Getting chased by cops after heist]
Me: Damn, I can’t shake ’em. It’s like they’re one step ahead of us.
Partner: STOP USING YOUR BLINKER
I need a treadmill with a reward system.
Run 10k, here’s a pizza.
How to Talk to Women Who Are Inside an MRI Tube
CUSTOMER: i’m here for the $10 car wash?
CAR WASH GUY: *scrubbing car with a soapy ten-dollar bill* that’ll be $44.99
TV ANNOUNCER: Up next, the Masked Singer.
CDC: Good.
ACTORS’ TIP: can’t afford headshots? run a red light and use the photo they mail you. as a bonus you can add “driving stunts” to your resume
Me: *sees someone coming down hallway*
Them: Aimee! Hey!
Me: *turns and presses face against wall*
Them: Aimee?
Me: *closes eyes*
wife: is that ellen?
daughter: no, it’s dory
me: ellen is the actress that plays dory
daughter: is she a fish?
me: no, she’s a human
daughter: then that’s not her, cause that actress is a fish
Sex is great and all but have you ever been tased in a Dairy Queen parking lot?
An orca just threw a molotov cocktail at my house.
u date a person for a few months & they already be wanting to meet ur mom like chillllllll it took me 9 months to meet her who tf do u think u are???
“Not my circus, not my monkeys” is done. Let’s switch it to “not my pigs, not my blanket.”
Any wedding can be a fairy tale wedding if you serve porridge and release three angry bears into the reception hall
Concierge: Welcome to Paris, monsieur.
Me: You recognize this man?
*slides photo*
Concierge: That’s Pepe le Pew.
Me: If you see him you call me. *leans in* My cat’s been taken.