what do you mean i didn’t reach out i literally thought about you
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WIFE: what’s going on?
ME: [locking the door] I haven’t had an apple in 3 days
DOCTOR: [outside, stethoscope in hand] I can hear u breathing
Are there a lot of first-person singular objective pronouns, or is it just me?
So you’ve had white presidents, a black president and now an orange one. I’m crossing my fingers for the Hulk next time around.
Tequila doesn’t make me drunk and
disorderly, it just seems that way, cuz
Police Reports are all written by cops.
INTERVIEWER: when u read a good book, wat kind of things do u pictur in ur head
ME: [pausimg for a split second too long] words
30% of parenting is making yourself the bad guy so your kids will unite against you and get along for a little while.
Before sprinting towards the elevator, ask yourself, “Am I hot enough to make them hold the door?”
Doctor: Was it all fun and games?
Me [missing an eye]: Yah, up to a point
I’m beginning to suspect I wasn’t sold a corgi
Yoga Matt
They say that sex is the best form of exercise.
Correct me if I’m wrong but I don’t think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months is going to do much for that beer belly.
Never ask anyone eating their meal directly out of a pot on the stove how their day was
Any wife can be a trophy wife if you bring her to a Taxidermist.
Son: Mom, I’m having a problem at school.
Me: Oh no, buddy, what’s wrong? Do you need me to show you the Karate Kid again?Parenting is easy.
Top uses for Golf Balls:
1. Describing hail storms
2. Describing tumors
3. Playing golf
if they didn’t want me to take the coins off a dead man’s eyes they would have moved the gumball machine further away.
I JUST DRUNK 37 MONSTER ENERGYS AND NOW I CAN SMELL ABSTRACT LEGISLATIVE EUPHEMISMS
Date: I’m totally into the Dad bod.
Me: *exhales for 3 straight minutes* That’s a relief. I’ve been sucking in since I picked you up.
Hell hath no fury like 2 parties who each think they have booked the conference room for the day.
At what point is a salad no longer a salad based on how much bacon I add?
Murder is like art, as long as you can bullshit your way into justifying it, someone out there will be like “oh yeah, I totally get it.”
I’m never hungrier than when someone says they’re paying
I set an alarm when I’m napping just to make sure I’m not late for my second nap.
I’m trying to convince this guy that ‘jesus is the reason for the season’ but loansharks have a different perspective
I am not gullible. I am just easily tricked- which someone told me is different.
Me:*shows up to 1st date with giraffe*
Her: OMG, can this date get any better
Me:*pulls out saddle* You bet giraffe it can
Guys what shall we call thing that impedes movement?
GUY NAMED BARRY: “How about a barry?”
GUY NAMED BARRY BARRY: “How about a barrier?”
My dog stopped digging after I told him he’s just gonna end up in China.
*ninja group therapy
Therapist: Nobody showed up *again*?!
*drops my 13 year-old daughter off at a friend’s house*
*picks her up when she turns 20*