is he actually funny or have you just not had sex in a while
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I don’t really believe in the sanctity of marriage but i do like the idea of someone having to pay legal fees to break up with me
Jake and the Cat Man:
One man solves crime, the other spends the entire show being startled by thunder.
5-year-old: *glares at me* My shoe doesn’t fit.
Me: You grew. How is that my fault?
5: You fed me.
My spouse wonders why I have a hard time visiting his parents for the whole weekend but it probably has a lot to do with the fact that I have to put a bra on before coffee
[whispering to my wife with tears in my eyes as we watch our daughter’s piano recital] She’s terrible
*Cowboy stares at the horizon*
“A storm’s comin”
[In the distance, Darude ‘Sandstorm’ can be heard faintly]
*Cowboy cracks a glowstick*
Haiku is simple.
But not for my dog Buddy.
He sucks at counting.
🤣🤣🤣
When I die, I’d like my coffin to be filled with Reese’s Pieces so on my headstone it can say “R.I.R.P.”
DMV: Please make an appointment for faster service.
Also DMV: Your appointment means nothing. Sit & wait, peasant.
“WTF MAN?! You’re why Star Trek is better.”
I got a pet hyena because someone has to laugh at my tweets…
[zoo]
Hey dad, where are mountain lions from?
*dad panics*
-Uhh…you see, son, when a mountain and a lion love each other very much…
Did you know baby cuddlers are a thing in hospitals? What a great volunteer service, to love on newborn babies. All those new baby smells. I’d do it, but I think they search your purse on the way out.
I’m sorry, you’ll have to repeat that. I’m not fluent in nonsense.
Why must I prove that I am me to pay my bills over the phone?
Do strangers call to pay my bills?
And if they do, why don’t you let them?
My wife and I decided to tell each other one thing about the other that bothered them. Everything was going great until it was my turn.
Don’t open your heart to me. I’ll just put peanut butter in there.
Okay you guys, I’m gonna distract Twitter with an internal server error. When I do, make a run for it and get your life back.
MILEY CYRUS: I never went boatin’ and don’t get how they be floatin’
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: [slowly rising from the ocean] buoyancy
time travel is only valuable to me if it helps me find where I put my keys
Stop me if you’ve heard this already.
-said no kid ever
And then God said, “Let there be Black Friday.” and he saw that it was a terrible idea but it was too late cuz people were already in line.
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
Y’all it’s so wild to call a pharmacy and they ask for the date of birth and I’m like he is a cat I have no idea I found him in a shelter his name is James Dumpling you got his pills or???
Fox News: Witnesses are telling us Michael Brown may have charged Officer Darren Wilson atop a dragon, wielding a poison-tipped broadsword
Fun Fact:
Over 23.6% of relationships fail because one of the partners doesn’t like The Princess Bride.
[happy hour with friends discussing politics]
me: I’m going to keep my mouth shut.
alcohol: wanna bet.
Me: I’m bored
Dad: hi bored I’m dad
Me: I’m hungry
Dad: hi hungry I’m dad
Me: I’m here’s 20 dollars
Dad: hi here’s 20 dollars
Me: thanks dad
My eyes: (seeing something in my peripheral vision)
OH MY GOD A GIANT BLIMP IS CRASHINNG OUT OF THE SKY AND HEADING STRAIGHT FOR OUR FACE
(one second later)
We’re getting a correction from the brain:
it is the world’s tiniest moth