Why do u wanna work at Burger King?
*imagines killing the Burger King & taking my rightful place as king*
“I haven’t taken my meds in weeks”
You Might Also Like
Church: time to come back
Me with 3 small boys: Well, OK
Church: not you
Forgot my phone and had to write my tweets on paper and pass ’em around at the meeting.
Didn’t get any stars.
Got RT’d to HR.
Cop: Pullover!
Me: It’s a cardigan.
I’ll never buy an electric guitar. Only gas guitars for me thank you very much.
The body is 70% water..
So cool, you’re not fat you’re just flooded..
Did a crunch. Sprained an ovary.
0/10. Do not recommend.
Has anyone seen my jacket? It’s white with sleeves that make you hug yourself and a cute belt.
They said no texting while driving but they never said anything about giving four ferrets a nice bubble bath
When a cop talks to you about Miranda, he’s not inviting you for a three-way… I know this now.
Signs you’re a full fledged adult:
• You choose restaurants based on the availability of parking
• You pay attention to the weather now
• You have at least one mole you’re keeping an eye on
• You have a favorite stove burner
• You don’t give af what’s “cool” anymore
*Feels the cool breeze caressing my skin*
Cool breeze: I have a girlfriend
My daughter is writing a poem about our dog and she’s trying to find a word that rhymes with his name. Our dog’s name is Tucker. This will not end well.
Here
Here
Here
Here
Here
Here
Here-1 sided text conversation between me and my 18yo daughter because all I do is pick her up from places.
Can’t tell if they’re hitting on me here?
We say that elephants never forget, but it’s not as if they have much to remember. They don’t have PIN numbers or passwords. They never have to put the bins out. They can even guess what kind of elephant they are and have a 50/50 chance of getting it right.
To make sure I don’t cheat, my wife got me into cryptocurrency and that’s all I want to talk about with women now.
My handwriting looks like a fiddler crab riding a tricycle. No, FIGHTING a tricycle.
The only reason I know it’s February is because the M&M’s are pink.
When I die I want to come back as a speed bump so I can piss people off
Me: I want you inside of me.
Him: Wow.
Me: That would be a scary thing to hear if I was a bear, huh?
Him: Why are you like this?
Cicadas are all like, “Y’all mind if I scream?”
Like a mouse stuck in a mouse trap because its desire for cheese was too great, I too am stuck in a mouse trap
“Coward” should really mean “to move in the direction of a cow”
Are black guys the ones with big dicks?
Because if so, I think I might be a black guy.
Back in the old days you had to settle for someone within a 50 mile radius to love. Now with social media the whole world can disappoint you.
Some people are like water balloons, they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.
People who are complaining of shoveling driveways, haven’t you heard of moving?
Nice of ads to thank me for watching as if I wasn’t a hostage
The most horrifying thing I’ve ever heard:
“MOMMY! MOMMY! I think I just did SCIENCE in the bathroom!”