everything in the world’s horrible now not like the good old days of black plague, holocaust, atomic bombs, holodomor, khmer rouge, crusades
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Apparently people mistook my innocent “what street did you grow up on” tweet for data mining.
Which is hysterical in a completely non-Russian bot fabricated to crack your Pinterest password & steal your Dog Sweater Vision Board ideas kind of way.
(genuine human laughter)
“My phone’s about to die.” -Me, 30 seconds into every phone call ….
*feels butterflies in his stomach while going on the first date*
– guess I shouldn’t have run through the garden with my mouth open.
Just ate an order of cheese fries and smoke started coming out of my Fitbit.
Sometimes 6 is smart like her mom and other times she gets her head stuck in the footboard of her bed when she’s supposed to be sleeping.
Cleaning kitchen knives
Thought of you
Moms have an amazing superpower: we can speak at full volume without anyone hearing us.
Fecking hate sellotape should go sit in the wrong corner with everything else I hate ….
As long as you don’t ever give them your real name they can’t accuse you of not keeping the mystery alive in your relationship
Spouse ignoring your texts? Drop a nude and then immediately reply with, sorry wrong person. Works like a charm.
Remember the old ‘yawn and stretch’ move in the cinema with your crush?
oh you like architecture? name three walls
Only 2 more days till the day after tomorrow
My grandma tries to avoid her neighbor who has a crush on her. This is the exchange they just had:
Him: have you eaten dinner yet
Her: I don’t eat
Being a “Hopeless Romantic” sounds kinda depressing. “Pull my chair out for me?” .. “I’d love to, but I’ve given up.”
Whoever named snakes did a great job. Those things are definitely snakes.
Heard my mom tell my dad to “stop tossing her salad” at the dinner table and now I can’t look at either one of them without laughing…
son: why is my name jesus
dad: mom wanted to name u after a rolemodel
other son: &me?
dad: well Charizard the same reason but it was my turn
My liver’s so black, it went to a respected college, got a great job, and made it’s family very proud.
Weren’t expecting that, huh?
Racist.
My three year old walked into the garage while I was working out yesterday and I may need to rethink my playlist because today he’s telling everyone that “anacondas love honey buns”.
Before you cut the sleeves off your acid wash denim jacket, read the warning label about the associated risks of dying from too much sex.
I never knew the word “mom” could even have 7 syllables until I had kids.
Be myself?
BE MYSELF?!?!
You don’t care if I ever get laid again, do you?
*Watching opening credits -The Winter Olympics in PyeongChang 2018*
Me: “How do you pronounce that?”
Daughter: (Heavy sigh & eye-roll) “OH.LIM.PIKS”
A polar bear walks into a bar and says to the bartender “I’ll take a rum ……… and coke..” Bartender says “What’s with the pause?”
Polar bear says… “I was born with them”
me: wow you must be pretty hoarse
dracula: why would I be hoarse
me: from all that coffin lmao
“Your package is running late and no one is more surprised and upset than we are.”
—Lies Amazon tells me.
*pulls curtain back while wife is in the shower*
me: Are we – stop screaming, it’s just me- are we out of Cheetos?
“My, what big ears you have!”
All the better to hear you, my dear!
“And what big arms you have!”
All the… actually this is getting hurtful
A pregnant family member is looking for a old-fashion social security number. What is your social security number?