I’m hoping the next currency fad will be allen wrenches. I’ll be a gazillionaire.
You Might Also Like
People will say they don’t want to be lied to and then read fiction. Bro, pick a lane.
Every movie should have bloopers in the credits underscored by a rap song that explains the plot.
You never hear about Aztec women complaining about being left at the altar in the old days.
The Girl With The Grilled Cheese and Bacon Tattoo
What’s the protocol for objecting at a wedding that you’re a plus one at?
If they could just figure out how to put fluoride in beef jerky I wouldn’t have to brush my teeth ever again.
me, to my kid: you have a job- you eat breakfast, you get dressed, brush your hair and teeth and put on shoes
my kid: I hate my job. I wanna quit.
Takes the stairs because I preemptively exited an elevator and want to run from my shame
I’m meeting a man I really like for drinks. If I play my cards right, he’ll be deleting my number in a few hours.
Take 1/5th the $ car insurance companies spend on advertising, apply it to health care, and everyone can have golden organs and never die.
Sleep is the body’s best safety mechanism. It keeps you from screwing things up for 8 hours.
Never judge someone because they sin differently than you.
Wife: I find him very patronising.
Me: That means she thinks I talk down to her.
Marriage counsellor: I don’t normally take sides but you should leave him.
[Second day in prison]
ME: *looking up from my signup sheet disappointedly* Guys you know I can’t play quidditch by myself
I get it, artificial Christmas tree. I also can’t fit in my pre-Christmas box.
No one is full of more false hope than a parent bringing a chair to the beach.
Better to have loved & lost than to have never loved at all; but if going spelunking was your idea, you should at least *try* to find her.
rise and shine we got egg
Her: I really need to learn to say “no”.
Me: I’ll introduce you to my wife.
Other women: Nothing is sexier than a dad holding a baby.
Me: Nothing is sexier than my husband using his thundering dad-voice to frighten our children into behaving when I’ve abandoned all hope.
All I want for Christmas is a survivalist training course so I can finally move to the woods, go off the grid, and not participate in society anymore until the government hunts me down and begs me to help them with a matter of national security, which I refuse.
It has come to my attention that some of you are eating the bottom half of cupcakes. That is the peel, people. Know your fruit.
Coworker: Are you into heavy metal?
Me: Uranium is OK I guess.
C:
M:
C:
M:
C: I like Metallica.
That’s not even on the periodic table
I really wish I could hug some of you and maybe set fire to a few of you.
I’m sad… I’m gonna eat some feelings.
*6 hours later*
S.W.A.T. Leader: Sir, she’s eaten the feelings of the entire team! She… *static*
Oh, I just remembered. You’re boring…. and my legs work!
Being in the friend zone is like an employer turning you down for a job, then calling you regularly bitching about the person they did hire.
I don’t think this bowl of Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups on my desk is making me as indispensable to the workplace as I had hoped.
The neighbors set off fireworks at 2:45 AM so I decided to leaf blow the entire street in front of their house at 6:00 AM.