The good folks over at @funTweeters have compiled 6 pages of my tweets. Are they good? No. Are they funny? Also no.
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“So you’re a foodie? What’s a foodie?”
“We enjoy eating out and trying new food.”
“So you’re like everyone else, except you brag about it?”
can’t wait for 65 million years after we’re extinct and whatever race is in charge makes human-shaped chicken nuggets
[hospital]
“I’m afraid it’s bad news. Your husband will never walk again”
“Oh God, he’s paralysed?”
“No, someone’s bought him rollerblades”
I like the sound of thunder because there’s always a tiny little chance that my ex will be struck by lightning
I bet the worst part about being a birthday cake is when you’re set on fire, and then eaten by the hero that saved you.
“The cat spilled water. Don’t worry, your coloring book’s fine” isn’t a thing my gf thought she’d ever say to a grown man, but here we are.
The Jaws theme stays on during sex.
Autocorrect just changed AC to autocorrect even though I meant air conditioning. And I thought I was full of myself.
me, age 21: *pulls an all nighter* yay!
me, age 37: *sleeps the whole night* yay!
me: “i taught the dog to bark when someone lies”
wife: “i dont care about that, do you like my haircut?”
me: [slowly covers the dog’s ears]
Heard my dog talking to a chipmunk out on the deck, and I’m positive I overheard “nothing much, just getting some air, the whole place smells like wet human”
“I literally died.” – white girls in heaven.
Nothing says you’re a parent like being jealous of a tree because it’s all alone.
I respect kiwis because they looked around, saw there weren’t any mice on their island, and said “fine I’ll do it”
“I like green peppers, but they don’t like me anymore haha.”
They never liked you. They don’t have feelings because they’re food, Barbara.
“Does anybody in the car have a heart condition?” I ask as I slide my Smash Mouth CD into the radio.
I’m prepared for anything, as long as it isn’t hard or boring or scary
living with your parents
pros: it’s free
cons: everything else
ME: I cant make it in today
BOSS: again? why
M: my car died
B: that’s the same excuse you used yesterday
M: yeah but today’s the funeral
*bolts upright in bed, instantly wide awake in the middle of the night*
“FIRE TRUCKS SHOULD BE CALLED WATER TRUCKS”
I bet my doctor wasn’t expecting to say “Sir, that is not a toy” so many times today.
Birds: but doesn’t the blood rush to-
Bats: pnq ǝɹǝɥ dǝǝls oʇ ƃuᴉʎɹʇ ǝɹ,ǝʍ
My five moods:
1. I’m too old for this shit.
2. I’m too tired for this shit.
3. I don’t have time for this shit.
4. I’m too sober for this shit.
5. I don’t get paid enough for this shit.
*Tries to pet the K-9 unit dogs while I’m hiding from them under a car in a parking lot*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*Wife (out of breath): Thanks for holding the elevator open
Me: No problem
ME: I’m a creep. I’m a weirdo. What the hell am I doing here? I don’t belong here.
GUY: I love that song.
ME: What song?
My husband and I draw straws on Valentine’s Day to decide who has to be on top.
What doesn’t kill you is just as disappointed as the rest of us.
I always like to start an argument before a family road trip so no one speaks to me during the drive.
Rompers are cute and all until you have to pee in a public bathroom. There’s no cute way to execute that. You’re now in an episode of naked and afraid.