ok guys the gofundme I set up to hire a hitman to kill me is already at 3x its goal you can stop contributing
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4yo: mommy, can you make me popcorn when you are done sitting?
Me: {gets into a more comfortable position} sureee!
DOG: Then he said “Who’s a good boy?”
DOG THERAPIST: *nodding* You are of course
DOG: *wagging tail* I KNOW BUT WHY DOES HE KEEP ASKING?
Let the sword wielding plants fight the Boston Dynamics murder robots.
Happy 10th birthday to your dating profile pic.
This woman got so offended when I asked if I could pet her son, like I’m the one who put him on a leash.
stopping the microwave at 0:01 is the closest I’ve come to being in a Michael Bay movie.
When people tell me I have the body of a 25 yr old, I’m unsure if it’s a compliment, or they finally unearthed the oil drums in my backyard.
My parents are replacing their coffee machine, which is 7 years old.
Me: that’s not that old, I have sheets older than that.
Mother: well perhaps your sheets aren’t getting as much action as our coffee machine.
I’m going to need an ambulance.
[about to be murdered]
ME: *whispers into murderer’s ear*
MURDERER: No, I do not want to hold hands.
My therapist says I’m making progress but that’s only because I lie to her
Math problem:
Q: John has 32 candy bars. He eats 28. What does he have now?
A: Diabetes. John has diabetes.
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
Low fat tortilla chips and lite salsa?
That’s not what was meant by the words “skinny dipping.”
Elderly woman at bus stop just said my son was “beautiful.” UM STEP OFF PERVERT UR LIKE 40x HIS AGE cc: @LAPD
Do you think anyone fired from Twitter is decamping to their picturesque home town where their parents are about to put them in charge of a local Christmas project, and their only assistant? a handsome carpenter (who’s single)
found this sweet little abandoned chocolate lab at the park today
[Morgue]
Cop: Sir, I know it’s tough but we need you to ID the bodyMe looking at corpse: *takes deep breath* Are—are you over 21?
*my wife opens my sock drawer & sees that it’s filled with bite sized candy bars. she looks over at me*
did you go trick or treating again last night?
Alcohol infused candy called Fermentos.
What? You want to show me pictures of fireworks? That you took all by yourself? Hold on.
*drops acid*
Ok, go.
I blame cartoon elephants for influencing how I overreact when I see a mouse.
jesus, what did this guy do
I always run towards screaming. Sure, it could be a horrible murder in progress. BUT it could also be ice cream.
Her: Sorry I’m late. I just had the most horrific experience.
Me: Oh No! Did Dorothy’s house fall on you again?
I don’t need a home security system for my safety because as soon as someone breaks in and hears me moaning in the hallway from falling out of the bed, they’ll just turn around a leave.
Me: yeah, I’m not going to make it in today.
Boss:of course, this snow is crazy.
Me: Snow?
EMTs showed up at my house unexpectedly, so I guess the neighbors did see me when the bee landed on my head
Maybe installing Freudian Autocorrect was not the breast idea.
Im bored… I think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot and sit in my car, with the reverse lights on…
These teenagers down at the skate park will boost my self-esteem.