I requested better work conditions but my boss screamed and threw his toy at me and now we’re both sitting in the playpen crying
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Doing taxes in the 90s:
Clippy pops up
“I see you’re trying to scam the tax system. Would you like help?”
Slip ‘n Slide should be a universal mode of transportation. I refuse to budge on this
Please don’t ask me what I’m doing this weekend without first making it clear whether or not you’re going to invite me to something that I’m going to have to make up a lie to get out of
Ever notice how loud the sound of opening a beer can at work is?
I told my therapist that I was suffering from affluenza.
He diagnosed me with delusions of grandeur!
#jokes
Me: So I hear you’re the guy that invented lying
Guy: No it wasn’t me
Me: Impressive
My son is the reason I get out of bed every morning. Otherwise, he might attempt to make his own breakfast.
[sitting in airplane exit row]
me: [taps neighbor on shoulder] this power we wield over life and death is intoxicating
Sometimes late at night, if you listen real carefully, you can hear parents removing batteries from annoying toys.
QUESTIONNAIRE
Do you need glasses?
[ ] Yes
[ ] NoX
You can add “cha cha cha” to any sentence you want without explaining yourself. Nobody really appreciates this.
Hedgehogs would seem far less adorable if they had more relevant names like ‘Stabbyrabbit’ or ‘Weaponrat’
Call me old fashioned but I still drink to get drunk.
The best thing about working at my office is that you can literally use as much toilet paper as you want in the restroom.
I bought a treadmill because I ran out of closet space for my clothes.
Are you tired of having a great friendship?
Ruin it with Sex™
I tend to be very Snow White-ish with animals, but today a squirrel threw a nut at my head
Win some, lose some
I’m a pediatrician.
Oh, so you’re into feet?
Uh no…children.
Isn’t that illegal?
Me, to myself: I am a strong and independent woman. I’m perfectly capable of doing things by myself.
Me, to my toddler: I’m calling Santa.
The difference between kids and prison is that in prison they let you read.
My dad when I follow google maps instead of the path he yells from the backseat
[pretends to answer phone in front of date] why hello… [trying to think of someone cool] GEICO lizard
Imagine how exciting the Tour de France would be if they added some sweet ramps.
I told my wife the laundry on the couch ain’t gonna fold itself so if y’all don’t hear from me later she probably folded me like an omelet.
Ace of Base and the Lords of Acid meet in a bar and neutralize each other
Marriage is probably the least romantic thing you can do with another person.
Anyway, congrats on your engagement!
Me: what word would you use?
Interviewer: I’ve just never seen “higgledy-piggledy” on a resume before
*Friend sees my knuckle tats*
F: ‘MMA4LYFE,’ really?
*I put my fists by my English prof’s ‘OXFORDCO’ knuckle tats*
*we start break dancing*
Me:*hits rock bottom* welp, it can’t get any worse
Rock bottoms older brother: Is this the guy that hit you
Me: ᴼʰ ⁿᵒ