❤Missed connection❤
You were the street magician who pointed at me and asked me to shout out the name of a card
I was the guy in the red shirt who panicked and shouted out “PIKACHU” whilst you rolled your eyes
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Losing weight to be attractive is weird. I see you shrunk your body slightly. Now I want you.
Oh no, we don’t go in there. That room belongs to the spiders.
I refuse to check my engine when the light comes on. It will only keep coming on for the attention.
Haven’t done a pushup in years. Doesn’t seem right with what’s been going on in the world
Nature show: pythons can grow over 20 feet
Me: they’re gonna need so many shoes
ME: *throwing up gang signs*
FRIEND: Dude, how many did you eat?
Dear burglar, I’m really sorry about all the mess getting in your way, I wasn’t expecting company
Welcome to Twitter 2 point Uh oh.
Her: you ever done hot yoga?
*remembering getting stuck in a lawn chair last summer trying to reach my car keys*
Pretty sure
I have discovered there is no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess that means it’s not worth trying hash browns.
My wife steals my fries as if she identifies as a seagull.
No thanks spider hanging from my front door casing. I’ll go around back.
I’m shocked every four years when for some reason everyone I know is an Olympics expert. I’ll go to a party and everyone’s like “Brazil’s sailing team is phenomenal this year”
Me: “Another day, another dollar.”
My boss: “Please don’t discuss your salary in front of co-workers.”
My youngest kid quit liking cheese, so now I have to eat it for the both of us
Worst perfume name ever.
Hi. This automated call is to let you know that the prescription you don’t need is available and that the one that you do need has been discontinued. Press one to continue to get annoying calls like this. Press two for the same thing.
All Virgos care about is food and like 2 other people.
Incredible customer service.
[Interview]
Him: Your resume just says you can have Friday afternoons off.
Me: Sounds great. I’ll take it.
HER: I don’t know what you’d do without me.
ME:
HER: Please stop imagining all those things.
ME: Ok.
When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid
How come when a child shouts “This is dumb” at a wedding it’s considered cute, but when I do it, I’m immediately replaced by another priest?
Don’t touch that.
If i were a hand model, at least i could say that i’ve banged a model.
Him: Let’s grill this steak
Me: *slams table, screams at steak* WHO SOLD YOU THE DRUGS
Him: that’s not-
Me: Refusing to talk? BIG MISTEAK
I tried a onesome before, but I started catching feelings.
Prince: Rapunzel, let down your hair.
Rapunzel: Hair, you’ll never be beautiful, you’ll always have split ends.
*hair is super let down*
Any weekend is a Vampire Weekend if you can’t look at yourself in the mirror afterwards.