The bartender said I could have a free drink if I stopped saying “that’s what she said” so I said “challenge accepted” and she replied “let’s see how long you keep this up”…and then I paid for my next drink
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Yes. these are prescription Oreos.
I like to refer to my psychiatrist as a “serotonin artist.”
I think what my heartburn needs is some fried chicken
Bought a pair of camo sweatpants but my kids can still see me when I wear them. This is bullshit
why do guys only hit me up at 11pm? I’m still hot at 4pm you idiots (and probably more awake)
rise and shine we got egg
When I found out Carl was a beekeeper I stopped loaning him bees.
My neighbors started Christmas decorating right after they ran out of Halloween candy so I called the police.
CALIBUR: I love being a calibur!
ME: Stop being a calibur. Arthur needs you.
EXCALIBUR: Ok
I know I joke a lot on my posts, but on a serious note, I need everyone to wish me luck…
I have a meeting at the bank later and if it’s a success, I will be out of debt and own everything I have now.
I’m so excited I can barely put on my ski mask…
so weird how every mom was born today
I really wish Facebook would stop suggesting that I make a FB story while showing me the most recent photo in my camera roll, it’s my freaking grocery shopping list
The reason the “Cars” movies have gained so much popularity is becuase the cars speak to one another. You don’t get that with real life cars
I’m pretty sure the dude in the stall next to me is giving birth to a Hummer
so imagine going to the store.. buying rolls of plastic.. tape.. etc.. and after the cashier is done.. “anything else?” and say “oh sorry.. forgot this” and pull out dexter.. the complete series out of the cart…. when they ask how you’re paying “uhhh we’re going with cash”
My superpower- Finding shortest checkout line that takes the most time.
Wife: I want a divorce because your enthusiasm’s turned into bitter sarcasm
Tony the Tiger: great
Me: why are there so many rednecks at this bar
Vampire: *shifting guiltily* haha yeah weird
[a movie on dvd]
ugh, i’ve seen that a million times[the same movie on tv with commercials]
OOH, IT’S JUST STARTING
My washing machine shakes so much it moves across the floor and I’m pretty sure it’s trying to escape because I work it too hard
A lethal injection that takes two hours has no place in a civilized society. And it shouldn’t happen in Arizona either.
Me: My weight is up. I really hate winter.
Him: Don’t be discouraged. You’ll bounce back in spring once you shave your legs.
I hate it when healthy me does the groceries, because now fat me needs a snack.
Whitesnake: I want a superstitious woman with a superstitious mind
Me: *faceplants across the hood of my Focus* Did you know 6 ravens must remain at the Tower of London at all times or the crown will fall?
Whitesnake: Not you
How to flirt:
1. Giggle
2. Apply lip gloss
3. Look down coyly
4. Realize you applied concealer
5. Fall off barstool
Me, reading some of your tweets
Me [seeing they want to give teachers guns because there are guns in schools]: There are also drugs in schools.
With the right person, there is no such thing as inappropriate behavior.
Pro is good and con is bad, so they should rename the Constitution to Prostitutio-oh, never mind.
BOSS: This team isn’t performing, hire someone with a good track record
[2 wks later]
ME: I’d like you to meet our new employee, Usain Bolt