The only thing you can wish for in this life is that the person you say “I do” to appreciates your Star Trek memorabilia as much as you.
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[BAR]
Me: What do you recommend?
Barkeep: Moscow Mule, Mojito, Old Fashi-
M: [Puts finger to his lips] which tastes the most like Capri-sun?
Cop: I’m going in, cover me!
Me:*speed knits blanket*
I don’t actually need a house cleaner, I just need the threat of a house cleaner coming over as motivation
Toilet roll shortage. Fine.
Potatoes. Yes whatever.
Chocolate shortage.. PANIC BUY.
I don’t discriminate. Love whoever you want. Pansexual is cool with me. I mean, I like pans, I guess. They fry bacon and stuff.
detective: lot of mysterious break ins lately
chief: anything we can do?
detective: sure, lock homes
Amazon Review: A History of Criminals
★★★☆☆Not a bad book. Prose and cons.
Me: *reciting passage from The Satanic Bible*
Them: You idiot, what have you done? You WOKE the devil!
Lucifer: Intestines are just water slides for your poop
YO TWITTER PLEASE PLEASE HELP ME OUT. THIS IS MY DREAM AND WOULD BE BEYOND BLESSED IF YALL CAN HELP A DUDE OUT. RETWEET!!!
Everyone on FB is posting the status- I voted. I guess it’s truthful Tuesday so I posted- I once killed a hobo & hid his body in a barrel.
If my next of kin takes a nap..
Can i call him Napkin?
I weighed myself today,
then I ate the scale.
Board Member: Sir are you sure you wanna name your new burger restaurant after the time you caught your ex-wife cheating on you?
Five Guys CEO: you heard me
cop: can you describe the suspect
witness: he was no more than 6 feet
cop: [crossing out spiders] thank god
When people dig up a grave in the movies it’s always so fast. It usually takes me days.
I’ve done 10 sit-ups today, I can’t take much more of this ab use.
[pronounces modeling like yodeling]
me: onion rings and a bottle of wine for the table
waiter: white or red
me: *trying to impress my date* whichever onion the chef prefers
The snake that couple found in a bag of lettuce in Aldi is just one more in a long list of reasons to avoid salad.
Fact if it’s mother is trapped under a car, baby adrenaline gives a baby the super strength of eight babies. But that’s not enough babies!
Zoologist 1: we need a name for this
Zoologist 2: how about a deadly sin?
Much as I like Guardians of the Galaxy, in real life, I don’t think it’s a good idea to give a gun to a raccoon.
A travel of a thousand miles starts with a solo government-charged full-body cavity search at the airport.
I’m digging this new iPhone 11 Pro. It has a separate camera for each one of my chins.
date: oh you want to be an astronaut? wow you must be so adventurous
me: [knows that bone mass decreases in space making it the safest place to be when the skeleton war begins] yeah final frontier and all that haha
Angel: Whatcha makin?
God: I call them peanuts. A tasty treat in a protective shell. They’re not really a fruit or vegetable. Most people will love to eat them.
Angel: That sounds innovative-
God: Others will eat them and die
Angel: …is this a prank?
Phone: face not recognized
Me: *starts crying*
Phone: Ahh there it is
[first day as a loan shark] I’ve got you down for 500 sharks
Polar Bear: AHHHHHHHH.
God: please stop screaming.
Polar Bear: but I’m a ghost bear!
God: you aren’t a ghost bear.
Polar Bear: are you sure?
God: that’s just how you look.
Polar Bear: oh. ok.
[Swan flies by]
God: AHHHHH GHOST DUCK!
Any time a car with its hazards on passes me, I panic thinking I’ve wandered into a funeral procession and now I have to lie to a dead stranger’s family.