At the beach, looking at all these fit young people, with their perfect bodies and perfect tans and I think “I wish I could be a shark”.
You Might Also Like
One of my husband’s friends added me on Snapchat and I thought it was weird so I started a group chat for the three of us. 😂😇
Prince Charming: I will awaken her with love’s sweet ki–
Sleeping Beauty: five more minutes
Mankind has made a lot of mistakes, some of them truly monstrous. The Holocaust. Slavery. Calling it a “corn maze” and not a “maize maze.”
[Vaccination center]
Me: *slaps $20 bill down* I would like one immunity please
3: I don’t want to read. I just want to sit here and be mad.
Me: Okay—
3: And bite people.
“My door is always open.”
— World’s worst submarine commander
I try to avoid things that make me fat, like scales, mirrors, and photographs.
[Dr’s office]
“I have Carrie like reflexes”
Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?
*Dr hits my knee with reflex hammer and I set him on fire*
No
My autocorrect changed “today’s meeting” to “today’s meltdown”.
Yes phone, that’s correct.
Don’t you hate it when you claw your way out of your grave just to realize you left your keys in the coffin?
I’m just a MAN standing in front of a DOOR because I thought it was AUTOMATIC
Used the words “manic pixie dream boy” in therapy years ago and my therapist had no idea what it referred to and to this day continuously uses a different string of words for it “dream elf pretty boy” “party boy dream something”
“IF YOU EAT ANY MORE CANDY, YOU’RE GOING TO BARF!” my kids yell at me.
Every Field Has It’s Hero’s:
Music: Jimi Hendrix
Science: Albert Einstein
Business: Michael Scott
Most people don’t think I’m as old as I am until they hear me stand up.
If you care about someone,
even a little bit.
I beg of you.
Please.
TELL THEM WHEN THEY HAVE SOMETHING IN THEIR TEETH.
My kids have started saying things to us like “You’re 41 now, you should be able to sit through dinner”. Touché kids, touché.
*2 days before payday*
Me: CLEAR!
Teller: I’m telling you that this is unnecessary
Me: *places defibrillator onto check* I SAID “CLEAR”!
Son: “I don’t have any clean underwear.”
Me: “Have you checked your bedroom floor?”
Son: “Yeah. All those are dirty.”
Me: ……..
The winner of the smallest pet amphibian contest was so tiny it was my newt.
Satan giving a tour of hell: “Over there we have people who make that sound when they chew gum and idiots who use hashtags on Facebook.”
She asked if I had lost my mind. It’s nice to know that there’s some doubt.
Bake cookies and the house smells good for 20 minutes.
Bake fish and 4 months later the house still smells like an episode of Deadliest Catch.
*first day as a getaway driver*
Me: Hey does anybody want anything from the drive-through?
my ear. is inside out. and the human. is not home to fix it. i have put the household. on alert level. dark grey.
Hubs left his Amazon account open on the laptop and I swear to God if I’m getting a lawnmower for Mother’s Day there will be bloodshed.
{my first day as an art critic}
this painting tastes like shit
Perfect one night stand:
Amish person.No internet access.
No phones.
In the heat of passion they’ll whisper the secret to apple butter.
(husband picking me up at the airport): what’s for dinner?