Buy your kids a tortoise. Then when you’re elderly, they’ll already have 40 years’ experience feeding & loving something that barely moves
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Living your life to the fullest does not have to involve selfies with bison.
Online dating has its good points. You can choose your own name, lie through your teeth and you can’t smell their breath.
MY KID: can you do a cartwheel?
ME: not if i want to live
Wooden Horsie 🐴
Product review:
The craftsmanship is beautiful & the quality of the wood is good. But interior is filled with Greek soldiers that ended up murdering everyone I love. Would NOT recommend this product to friends and family (because they’re all dead). 2/5 stars.
Hopefully women like a mature man. Because when I say I can do it multiple times a day, I mean vacuum.
jeff bezos can’t become a trillionaire if he gets eaten by a whale
Go ahead, criticize my overprotective parenting but no gorillas were shot on my watch.
I may regret eating so many deviled eggs this weekend, but my family will regret it more.
Why did the baker stop making donuts?
Because he was bored with the hole business.
Me: Find a penny, pick it up and all day long you’ll have good luck!
Penny: Please put me down
I asked the bookstore employee where the self help section was. She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
My youngest once got ahold of the scissors and gave herself a haircut. It wasn’t bad. So now every 6 weeks we casually leave them out.
I was just reading a list of 100 things you should do before you die.
I am surprised that “Yell for help” is not one of them…
[at the hotel california]
me: i’d like to check out
desk clerk: alright, you’re all set
me: great, bye
desk clerk: oh, but you can never leave
me: then why did you let me check out
desk clerk: *shrugs*
me, after scolding my kids: *walking away*
son: ALEXA, play the Imperial March
me: are u 2 girls from England
them: Wales u idiot
me: sorry are u 2 whales from England
Just saw I am Legend for the first time and found it completely implausible when there was no reference to any toilet paper shortage.
My kid was struggling to solve a complex math problem and tried unsuccessfully to ask Alexa for help. Being the responsible parent I am, I explained the best way to crowdsource a solution is to post the wrong answer on Reddit and 500 peeps will correct you in minutes.
My toddler got a certificate at nursery for ‘good listening’ and ironically she didn’t listen when I asked her if she could do that at home too
Um, my eyes are up here.
-giraffes
Me watching any college movie:
WHY AREN’T THESE KIDS STUDYING
One time I brought a friend perfume, and later we had a huge falling out. Yes, I was sad, but I also imagined her throwing out her gift and a raccoon finding it. And oddly enough a fancy raccoon wandering around San Francisco wearing YSL perfume makes a lot of things better.
Husband said our electricity bills are too high need to cut back
so I asked him to move.
Day new couch arrives: No more food or drinks on the couch, I’m serious!
1 week later: *Kids are eating pancakes directly off the cushions*
The amount of time I’ve spent searching for my chihuahua int the back yard while she is locked in the house is astronomical
Pretty much the only time I WANT to hear about your ex is if she’s standing behind me with a weapon, other than that I’m good.
After three hours with the kids my husband asked me to put him in time out and I was like: Hell no! it’s my turn
This year I’m the Invisible Man for Halloween, according to this bartender that apparently hasn’t seen me standing here for an hour
Conference calls are fun because no one knows I’m really home with massive diarrhea.
Boss: For the third time, PLEASE put us on mute.
Possum: They say all your spouses passed away under mysterious circumst– wait are those coon skin hats?
Raccoon: Those are just old wives tails