[texting mom]
u were right, my interviewer wasn’t crazy about the lucky binky
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Don’t bother using those white packets of seasoning inside new shoes, they taste terrible.
me: Can you swing by Taco Bell?
guy driving the ambulance:
Whoever invented brooms, good job. I love your work. Use them all the time.
me: [to woman next to me] blow on it for luck
craps dealer: no soup at the table
I don’t know who started the malicious rumour I’m mostly mole but I’m going to keep digging.
I went on a date last night!
It went really well…up until the moment the couple realized I was following them & promptly called the cops.
If anyone needs help communicating with their teen daughter,
I am officially fluent in sigh.
“Ok J Lo, we have a movie for you.”
“Is the male lead obsessed with me?”
“Yes.”
“I’ll do it.”
[wife checking on me and the kids]
Hello
“I called the house, you didn’t answer.”
I went out.
“Ok. Well how have they been?”
How’s who been?
with both parents in the hospital the second most asked question i get after “how are they” is “how is your husband doing with the kids when you’re gone all the time?”
im going to start telling people he was unable to handle them so he sold them to the circus
I know we haven’t talked in awhile but I’ve been thinking about us a lot and I was wondering if u remembered the name of that burrito place
In honor of Charles Dickens I will also be cold and poor this christmas.
Dad: (tears in eyes) you’re going to make a fine dad someday
Son: (tears in eyes) should I make him out of wood or metal
Dad: (just bawling)
So afraid of commitment I only play “Words With Acquaintances”.
Prove you’re not a robot by typing two words that sounds like they were doodled on a toilet cubicle by a schizophrenic
Been married a few times. Always the bride, never the bridesmaid
DATE: did I say something to upset you?
ME: *stabbing my pasta extra hard with my fork* everyone is entitled to their opinion about the best ninja turtle, Karen
I put my shoes on like everyone else. I beckon for my footman, Chauncey, and he does it straightaway. Your guy probably has a different name
A horse walks into a bar and the bartender says why the long face and he says it’s so when I’m eating prairie grasses I can see predators
If Die Hard isn’t a Christmas movie why do I spend the holidays hiding in the vents of my workplace?
A neighbor asked my 5 yo if we had fun plans this weekend and he responded “we will probably go on a walk after dinner.”
Buckle up folks, things are about to get crazy.
Shut up laundry.Nobody wants to do you.
If I ever spend over $300 on shoes, they better have some James Bond shit in them.
Not to say I’m reckless, but my guardian angel wears a blindfold.
I wonder what the ocean smelled like before it was full of fish
Before you die, get your affairs in order so they don’t find out about each other.
Drunkenly got behind the wheel last night
Sure I’m stable, but like in the way a flatline is stable
I have to watch my thoughts carefully because I have no filter and just told a guy his shoulders look like they smell nice.
I never text people “good morning” first because I’m not a damn liar.