Alright, Mr. “In good times and in bad” I just painted my finger nails and I gotta pee. Let’s go.
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if you want a wife that will cook and clean for you then that’s not me. BUT if you want a wife who will support and love you unconditionally then again, that’s not me. i don’t like you
Of all the horrible ways to die I think healthy eating sounds the most painful.
Just been on a date with a dentist. It went well and she says she’d like to see me again in six months.
If you’re a tire company you shouldn’t say you work tirelessly
Last night my 4yo said a prayer for all the people in the world including “Africa, Asia and Syrup.” From now on, I will be referring to Europe only as Syrup.
Cat 911: What’s your emergency?
Cat: I knocked everything off the tables now I’m scared!
Cat 911: Seriously?
Cat: No, LOL!
Cat 911: LOL!
I have written yet another poem about laundry
Questions about some hypothetical situations.
– Are there any special laws against people who forget to feed their guinea pig?
– Do guinea pigs have vengeful ghosts?
The bad news is my toddler dumped my husband’s large water bottle all over the couch and himself. The good news is now he’s had his bath
My ex-wife and I broke up over religious differences. I was agnostic and she was Satan.
*wife looks through my phone
*divorces me 8 times
Really, every section of the greeting card aisle could be called “Societal Obligation.”
Christmas is becoming more and more commercialised every year. Pushing up prices in every sector
This tweet is brought to you by Tesco
Elevator sex is a logistical nightmare on many levels.
Was testing the fire alarms in the house, and all the kids wandered out of their bedrooms thinking dinner was ready.
being a grandma is the perfect cover for being a serial killer. no other type of person can comfortably explain 12 envelopes containing curls of human hair tied together with ribbons
Not many quicksand-related deaths since the 1970s.
Thank god the authorities got that nightmare under control.
The most unrealistic part of The X Files was how no one got called into a budget meeting. It’s a government agency for crying out loud
Now she’s falling asleep, and I’m calling a crab.
[first day as a masseuse]
Me: [closing book] “…& they all lived happily ever after”
Customer: “That’s not what I meant by ‘happy ending'”
The self checkout lane was invented by a man who was sent to the store to buy tampons.
Goblin: Dude, have you told your family yet?
Ghost: No, they still think I live under the bed.
boss: have u finished that project
me: hey rome wasn’t built in a day
boss: it’s been a month
me: rome wasn’t built in a month
boss:
me: [googling “how long did it take to build rome”]
“You can eat your eyeball after you clean your room.” Me, still parenting with Halloween candy.
Him: My tummy feels crummy.
Me: Too much rummy, dummy.
Never trust someone who acts as if nothing happened when you meet them right after you had an amazing dream about them.
Ever get up to tell your boss something and then decide to email it to him instead because it would look more like you’ve been doing something?
Can an objects name be any more ridiculous than the walkie talkie? Why aren’t toilets called ‘sitty shittys’? Refrigerator ‘foody cooly’?
Me, 1st time in a corn maze: This is scary and stupid. Let’s go. Where’s the map.
Husband: I gave it to her.
Me: To the FIVE YEAR OLD?
8: Yeah. She had it, but she threw it at the Corn Man we saw.
5: And then he ate it.
[Brings date home]
O geez did I leave all my rare, holographic Pokemon cards out on my bed again? Guess we’ll just have to lay here & battle