‘Nuts and bolts’ would be a good name for a diary of one night stands.
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[bakery]
Robber: Give me all of your bread
Baker: *starts emptying the register*
Robber: Oh yeah, good idea, give me all your money too
Just remember…once annoying family arrives, the only side dish you’ll need is whiskey and a shot glass.
Friend: “Wow, your guest bedroom is so nice.”
Me: “That’s for your dog. You can sleep on the couch.”
My husband is a mumbler, but that doesn’t stop him from telling me I’m beautiful… I’m pretty sure that’s what he’s saying anyway.
I’m the type of guy you could spend the rest of your life with, if you never take your meds again.
I don’t trust people who don’t wash their hands after burying a body in the yard.
Everybody is fighting a battle that you don’t know about…because of the first rule of Fight Club.
If you like to fall asleep in bed but wake up on the floor, owning satin sheets might be for you.
4: mom can I sing just a short song?
me: yes
4: ok its only just three hours long I promise
narrator: it was in fact, only just three hours long
am i supposed to have a separate mouth with which to kiss my mother please advise
me: i’ll just have one more bite
narrator: she would go on to have 37 more bites
GF: I think he’s gonna propose to me
Her Friend: How do u know
GF: I found a receipt from Kay jewelers for 7 thousand dollars
[I walk into the room with my hands behind my back]
ME: Hey babe have you ever seen a turtle with a gold shell
My mom still hasn’t used the roomba I bought her two years ago for Christmas because, quote, “I don’t want it to judge our house.”
Just farted loudly outside my office before checking to see if anyone was nearby. Nobody was. It’s called the #edge, & I am #livin on it
I was in the first Top Gun movie.
I was the Marine actually working out in the background while the Navy took time off to play little volleyball games.
Good news everyone, the priest who took my confession is expected to make a full recovery
I think more people would subscribe to Twitter Blue if we could edit other people’s tweets
My kid is mad that his little brother asked for a sip then drank all his water and I never knew justice could taste so sweet
Housetraining our dog which is why my participation in this morning’s Zoom meeting ended with, “Well, right now I’m working on upgrading myNOOOOOO NOO NO OUTSIDE OUTSIDE”
People act all namby-pamby while dating, then wonder why divorce rates are so high. Stop chatting about the weather and start asking the real questions, people. How do you feel about lace curtains? Will you cheat on me if I let myself go? Do you check your brake lines regularly?
[After leaving Willy Wonka’s factory]
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: Lot of deaths for a to—
ME: A LOT of deaths for a tour!
My son asked to go to an amusement park for his birthday so he could ride roller coasters.
We went. He didn’t feel like riding them.
We came home. He is now watching roller coasters online and asking when we can go back.
That sums up parenting pretty well.
911: what’s your emergency?
me: I taught my Dad how to text
911: the problem ma’am?
me: he CALLS to say “yeah, got ur text”
Grease (1978, musical)
A highschool girl wins happiness and the acceptance of her peers by changing who she is and taking up smoking.
me: orders ice cream from grubhub
driver: makes 12 stops before my house
WIFE: you can’t just deep-fry everything
ME: what do you mean?
WIFE: I mean put down the cat
Marriage hack: when your wife says “I think it’s crazy, but do what you want,” don’t do what you want.
Why is “goodnight” one word, but “good morning” a lie?
It’s so cute how my kids think I’m going to go look for them after I finish counting to ten.
Child: What’s it called when they stick a spike up your nose and scramble your brain?
Me: A lobotomy?
Child: YES.
Me: Why?
Child: No reason.
Me:
Child:
Me: [wide awake all night]