She wasn’t quite sure
Brad was a bit older
He seemed kind of shy
But she was much bolder
She asked him to dinner
“I’d love to” he told her
When she kissed him good night
Things started to smolder
But she ended it there
And gave the cold shoulder
When she got a ring
She’d be Anna
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I saw a girl carrying a hamster so I asked if I could pet it but it was actually a muffin so I’m on my way to jump of a cliff now
People who tweet about politics should have to pass a small test: if i say “Oh, look, a dead bird,” and you look UP, we take your phone away
I basically have 3 hairstyles…
Straight.
Wavy.
Homeless.
I accidentally had two energy drinks today and now my house is decorated for Christmas.
Making fun of bands that only play 3 chords when I don’t even know what a chord is.
God, creating dogs: make them smart
Angel: how smart
God: capable of saving lives but incapable of turning around if they walk around a tree with their leash on
don’t do it sharon, it’s a trap
If a shark is ever attacking me I’m gonna be like where are your parents do they know you act like this
Boss: And why can’t you come in today?
Me: *at an aquatic petting zoo* I’m feeling a little eel.
You can tell a lot about a person by how many pet possums they have.
Baristas, stop paintin’ pictures in my damn latte. I’m gonna drink that shit not frame it.
When a husband asks you if you think it’s possible to love someone forever…
“If I find the right person” is apparently the wrong answer.
My mother keeps saying my boyfriend seems like someone who’d be really good with children. Except, she’s never seen him interact with children. She’s only seen him interact with me. So idk where that impression comes from…
Telling my kids they can only have one fruit snack per day while I have 400 per day in secret.
I feel like you just get me. You fill my every need. You go out of your way for me. I tell you I am here and you coming running. It is just kind of perfect, right?
Him: Ma’am I am just bringing your grocery order to your car.
A relationship is like a shark, it looks better on TV
Feels
When I say “seriously!” with either of the eyebrows raised, it could be a thinly disguised euphemism for wtf!!!
I am no longer hungry. Nor is, I assume, the cicada I have just discovered crushed into the tread of my sneakers.
Ever wondered why newborn’s clothes have pockets? They’re for their teeny tiny notepad & pen, so they can write down everything you’re doing wrong as a parent.
football coach: i need you guys to make a play
(8 months later at opening night)
football coach: wait wtf is this
“Welcome… To Jurassic Park.” “But some of these dinosaurs are from the Cretaceous Period–” “WE ALREADY MADE THE SIGNS”
There was a sense of accomplishment finishing the daily newspaper. I literally have no idea when I’m supposed to stop reading the internet.
instead of eating lunch I just ate a bunch of olives so ….. yet again …..
No thanks, free health assessment. I don’t want to know what I’m doing to my body
operators are standing by to ignore your call
Can’t
I’m serenading the neighbors with my harmonica at 2am
Officer: Do you know how fast you were going?
Me: *checks Fitbit*
me: when the weinermobile goes through the car wash do they take the bun portion off or do they just let it get all soggy
judge: i meant questions about your life sentence