ME: [gets into a car accident]
EMT: Sir, please step out of the vehicle, we’re trying to save lives
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[first date]
Her: I love your scent, what is it?
Me: desperation.
According to a new study, people who often trail off in the middle of a sentence are 30% more likely to
I find it creepy when I am walking my dog and a passersby want to know if its a boy or girl. Why?? I’m not letting you have sex with my dog.
Things drunk me has in common with toddlers:
– no idea where my shoe is
– demands McDonalds
– won’t shut up about dinosaurs
– not allowed to have a whistle
An app that tells you the cleanest highway bathrooms. Why isn’t this a thing yet.
Elmo: Oscar, why are you a grouch?
Oscar: Growing up, my parents were-
*stabs Elmo with broken beer bottle*
CUZ I LIVE IN A TRASHCAN.
HER: I have something I want to tell u
ME: me too
HER: *smiles coyly* same time?
ME: sure
HER: 1,2,3 I LOVE YO-
ME: ONE TIME I ATE DOG FOOD
I used to make fun of my kid for watching Call of Duty tournaments until he actually won a burrito from Chipotle. He went buck wild and ordered a lot. So I’m tweeting this with my mouth full of chips and queso.
Me: *shows up to a gala in my pajamas*
Host: That’s not what I meant by evening wear.
Bread puns are on the rise!
No, I’m not wearing lipgloss, I’ve just been eating salami.
You know you’ve ordered too much take-out when they give you three sets of plastic utensils.
trump: ban muslims
jeb bush: i disagree. just like dad would. who used to be president
ben carson: how did spongebob make fire underwater
Weird how my husband can sleep through the baby crying but he jumps straight up with one unsnap of my bra hook.
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
Fitness level – too much Popeyes, zero spinach
tell em, edith-anne
Cop: Where were you at the time of the murder?
Me: I’d trapped myself in a Tupperware container
Cop: Damn, that’s an air tight alibi
On Fridays, I always dress for what the weather is going to be at 3am when I drunkenly lock myself out of my apartment.
Cats are not mentioned in the Bible because they wrote it.
HER: What’re you most afraid of?
ME: *thinking of how terrible it would be if my dog laid eggs that hatched into cats* Losing you, babe.
I bet ducks would love bananas if they knew about bananas.
Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get into and then out of the shower.
I’m not a bad person, although once I blew a paper straw cover at my husband and it stuck in a lady’s hair and I didn’t tell her.
Me: [missing for 24hrs]
Wife: huh, wonder where he is
Son: been quiet
Daughter: has he been gone?
Guy Who Owns Liquor Store Down The Street: [bursts in thru front door] OMG IS GRANT OK
She like, literally died.
~White girls’ headstones
*brings butter gun to butter knife fight*
911: what’s your emergency
Me: I can’t find my lizard
911: do you have any details
Me: *holding tail* that’s how I lost it
To the woman a booth over who said “There’s nothing worse than cold toast!”
I want your life.
“my dad could beat up your dad”
we’re brothers you idiot
*cut to dad stepping on rake, knocking himself out*