My husband bought an alien green suv so he wouldn’t have to remember where he parked.
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My horny ass could NOT have a banana cleaner 😭
I don’t mean to brag, but I’m pretty sure based on the amount of stuffed animal surgery I’ve done, I’m a doctor now.
What if all countries have ninjas, and we only know about the Asian ones because they suck?
Don’t just argue the point, continue the argument long after it’s over. Hold your ground. If they’re dead, don’t let them pull evasive maneuvers like that. Go to the cemetery, and yell at their tombstone.
Cops said my blood alcohol level was above the legal limit which is crazy because I don’t even drink blood alcohol.
I buy my kids cereal based on which kinds my vacuum cleaner will be able to pick up best.
Always answer a math question in a silly voice because if you’re wrong they’ll think you’re joking and if you’re right they’ll feel dumb.
Just been to see Benny from maintenance in hospital. He was putting up one of those boards that tell you have many days since the last accident and it fell on him.
Me : It’s over & nothing you say will make me change my mind
Him : ‘I just ordered a large thin crust’
Me : Be there in 10 min
become ungovernable
I fold my laundry just like everyone else. About 3 weeks after the dryer buzzes.
[interrogation]
“Where were u on the nite of the 5th?”
Stabbing a guy.
“Louder for the tape.”
[leans in]
Grabbing a pie. I went out for pie.
Just because we’ve been friends for ten years doesn’t mean I know your kids’ names.
If my landlord would just take cat hair instead of money, I could pay for the whole year upfront.
Me: I’m sorry, this toilet isn’t flushing.
Home Depot employee: …
Impress your date by eating your mashed potatoes with both hands.
guys: women are a mystery.
women: Here is what we-
guys: LITERALLY WHAT DO THEY WANT?
women: well for start-
guys: Guess we’ll never know!
Most people getting out of an Uber: “thanks”
Midwesterner getting out of an Uber: “Good luck with your custody battle! There’s no way the courts won’t be able to see what an amazing mother you are! You stay strong Amber…I love you!”
What the vet said: Your dog is a little dirty.
What I should have said: I’ll do better.
What I actually said: You should see my kids.
Experts are suggesting you wait until 8th grade to buy your kid a cell phone but I didn’t even have kids back then.
Once I was driving with my first wife and we got into a screaming match while she was also eating an ice cream cone. I reached my breaking point and slammed on the brakes which made her face go all in the ice cream. This will forever be the funniest thing I’ve ever done
Walked past a group of cats that meowed at me so I meowed back. They stopped meowing and now I’m worried I said something homeowphobic
When I was 16, my parents sat me down to give me “the talk” about professional wrestling.
SHUT UP. BEES CAN’T SPELL.
Never underestimate the power of karate to save a marriage.
If snails are so slow, how come nobody sees them coming? It’s always like bam, there’s a snail
6:32 a.m.
Me: Good morn—
6: I’m dizzy, nauseous, and dehydrated
A drinking game where you do a shot every time you are prompted to update Adobe
My family keeps leaving the door open- what type of exterminator handles flies, mosquitoes, and houseguests?
shampoo has ruined me — lather, rinse, repeat. it never ends. every time i rinse i have to start again. i’ve been in the shower for 9 years