kevin is now a local weatherman
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Them: Bill, how are you doing?
Me: Last night I shaved my left leg and named it Delores. How do you think I’m doing?
ME: did I remember to take my antidepressants this morning?
BRAIN: does it matter? Does anything matter? Aren’t we all just insignificant threads in the tapestry of life
ME: …so that’s a no
I want an ice cream sundae so big that it edges into mondae
Reports are indicating that Ivanka Trump may take on some roles of the First Lady. Still no word on who will handle the duties of President.
My 11yo said if it wasn’t for him I wouldn’t have a twitter account, and I’m just glad he’s finally taking some responsibility.
My kid upon learning his actual name is Charles and not Charlie
the best thing to throw at your spouse when you’re having a fight is a croissant cuz he’ll try to catch it in his mouth but it comes back to you like a boomerang & that’s just a delicious way to end a marriage . you’re welcome .
[first day as a soldier]
Army guy: we deploy at 04:00hrs
Me: where we going?
Army guy: to war, soldier
Me [setting alarm for 10am]: enjoy
¯_(ツ)_/¯
mom, did you know there are more kids than teachers at my school?
-my 7 year old making the best of her public education
Needed one cotton ball. Two were left. Took both so one wouldn’t feel lonely.
I also have strong feelings about the last two pudding cups.
both dogs refuse to go out to pee in the rain so i have to lift each one up and heave them out the back door like i’m a bouncer and they just got in a fight
one time i was listening to some really cool people having a conversation when one of them suddenly turned to me & asked, “what are you doing here?”
Rolling your eyes is NOT a design skill.
When you finally get the courage to get on the scale after avoiding it for a while it’s called “bweighvery.”
me: Why aren’t you wearing pants?
toddler: I can see better without them
I’m getting really irritated. This is the tenth ATM I’ve been to in the last week that’s had “insufficient funds”.
fedex guy: here’s your package
me: thanks
fedex guy: sign please
me: [blushing] Pisces
Cop: “We’ll catch the guy who murdered your husband.”
Tina: “My husband was murdered?!”
Cop: “Shit! Sorry… I have some bad news…”
The first step to forgiveness is realizing that the other person is stupid.
Ouija Board: Sorry that I never responded to your text.
Star Wars (1977): A wounded warrior overcomes severe burn injuries to build a massive empire only to see his estranged son destroy it.
MacGyver finally realized that he just might be overthinking things a bit.
my husband fell asleep and I don’t know how to turn the volume down on his game without killing his village or whatever so I guess the soundtrack to my insomnia tonight is intense medieval lute music
I can’t tell the difference between large, extra large and jumbo eggs. There, I said it.
Remember: when you kiss someone’s elbow, you’re also kissing the gut of every person they’ve ever elbowed.
waitress: are there any allergies at this table?
me, already drunk: POLLEN
*watching a billionaire above me burn 300 gallons of fuel flying to applebees* oh no i didn’t bring my own bag to the store
Well of course the supermassive black hole that will eventually annihilate our galaxy is a Sagittarius.