babe is everything okay? you’ve barely touched your pile of hundreds of elaborate projects you start but never finish
You Might Also Like
dating coach: don’t immediately compliment a girl‘s looks that’s creepy
me: ok got it
[later]
her: hi i’m carol
me: u look like shit
Executioners flirting:
You hang first.
No, you hang first.
*giggling*
No, you hang!
No you!
What is it like to be a woman in comedy? I would say it’s 1% jokes & 99% answering this question.
Hitting the brakes, I instinctually reach my arm out in front of my passenger seat as my mother did before me. It’s ok, I whisper to my travel Doritos, you’re safe.
The inventor of inappropriate innuendo has died
His family are taking it really hard
To: Everybody
Subject: Dance Now
Cc: Music Factory
Why procrastinate today
When you could procrastinate tomorrow
Raw eggs are great for a fitness diet.
If you don’t like the taste, just add sugar, flour, cocoa and baking powder and bake for 30 minutes.
The Carpenters did not have nearly enough songs about hammers or sawdust
20s: insufficient funds
30s: insufficient fun
Buys new collar for my dog. It’s too big! Apparently he thinks it’s jewelry and won’t let me take it off.
See a penny, pick it up, then all day you just have a dirty penny in your pocket
Let’s all stand up against iron deficiency (but not too fast).
AN INSANE PERSON: I want to drink vegetables
THE MAKERS OF V8: Hey
[murder scene]
DETECTIVE: What do we have here?
ME: Dead people. Jesus, Frank, is this your first fuckin day?
me when my friends ask me to look after their kids
cop: do you know why i pulled you over
me: can you just shoot me please
Her: You say you’ve directed shorts before?
[Earlier]
Me: BE PANTS, BUT ALMOST
*Attempts to give a Homeless guy change*
Him: Thanks. You never know, one day my situation might be you.
Me: Really? *holds on to change*
My daughter was pretty pissed that someone called the cops, ending her party.
Whatever, I needed some sleep.
me: [nervously] how often do these things crash
flight attendant: just once usually
Natty or not?
I don’t trust the so-called “mainstream media.” I get news from ouija boards and an angry owl living in the woods on the outskirts of town.
Ok now I can see why they say a dog is a MAN’S best friend. Just asked my dog what he thought of my new boots and it’s like he doesn’t even give a shit.
It’s weird how horses can run so fast but still suck at every other sport.
Her: You’re a dumpster fire
Me: So you think I’m hot??
imagine prince eric watching ariel get her voice back in the little mermaid and finding out she sounds exactly like donald duck
ME: Every tool in The Flintstones was an animal modified into servitude. Except for transportation. A role historically fulfilled by animals, yet man had to power their cars alone. It feels symbolically significant.
ARCHAEOLOGY PROFESSOR: How do you keep getting in here?
[watching TV on couch]
Me: Think you’ve got enough blankets on you? I can’t even see you, ha ha.
Her: …
Me: I said, do you think you have enough blankets on you?
Her: …
Me: I’m just talking to a pile of blankets, aren’t I?
Pile of blankets: …
Do I want to change career and uproot my entire life or is it just 6pm on a Sunday