I haven’t seen Lost, Dexter, or The Walking Dead. But, I HAVE been to Walmart.
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Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: Have you seen my harmonica?
Me: So when a man and a woman…
My 5 y/o: ugh, all we have is cereal for breakfast
[Next morning, after I make pancakes]
My 5 y/o: I’ll have cereal
“omfg i hate him so much i can’t stop looking at him”
“……um friend is that really how hate works?”
if it’s fantasy football i see no reason why i can’t start a dragon at first base
7YO: Daddy you’re so talented
Me: Awww Thank Y..
7YO: …last night your snoring sounded like a pig was beat boxing
*Grilling salmon
TELL ME WHAT YOU WERE DOING SWIMMING UPSTREAM LAST WEEK
ME: *barging into office* Now hear me out
DENTIST: You again? No I can’t make your teeth taste like chips
ME: *being carried out by 2 hygienists* CAN’T OR WON’T
If I worked at a car wash, I would be making ‘did I make you wet?’ jokes all day.
Parenting is basically just punctuating every conversation with various commands:
“Yes, I like your picture. Put on your shoes.”
“My favorite color is yellow. Finish your breakfast.”
“No, fish don’t snore. Go brush your teeth.”
you’ve heard of fomo now get ready for fobi (fear of being included)
Practice self-care like Dracula: sleep all day, eat all night & outlive everyone who has ever loved you.
I’m sorry, but I’m never gonna apologize for who I am.
*except just then*
The commando team infiltrates my base, sneaks up behind my guards, and executes the neck twist maneuver. But my owl guards are unharmed.
I’ve always wanted a monkey, so I bought one today.
Anyway. Monkey for sale.
That moment the school calls because 15 was caught drinking at school and it’s still the same principal that had to call your parents.
life is a continuous learning experience, so i can spend all my time not paying attention and drawing cartoons on notepaper just like school
A person followed me and then unfollowed me within 3 minutes. How can they judge me after only seeing 47 tweets?
Marriage is wearing the same shirt for three days in a row and on the third day, your husband asking if you got a new shirt.
Your voice mail was so long, I thought I was listening to a podcast.
The gross is always greener on the outside
I say as I look at the 4yo who just sneezed
My stepmother asking me exactly how many chicken nuggets to make for my kids like lady it could be 15 or 0 do I look like some kind of psychic
[wife holding box of mac & cheese] the powder packet is missing, weird
[me holding large glass of what looks like orange milk] that is weird
Sorry I pretended I was drowning so you could see how incredible my hair looked underwater.
Dear god, please let me have sex at least as often as adobe or java needs an update. Everyday.
Me at 14: *reads three Harry Potter books in one day*
Me at 27: *sees a text that’s longer than 2 sentences* holy shit, I just do not have the time for this
there was a sandwich. on the edge of the counter. and now there isn’t. those are all the details. we can confirm so far. the piece of lettuce on my nose. is purely circumstantial
I’m sorry I’m late, but my 2yo had to say goodbye to the muffins in the grocery store.
Don’t trust anyone that orders a Medium Pizza….
how is March already THIS WEEK, I’m still processing the industrial revolution era of 1820-1840