[date]
EXPECTATION:
Me: [dazzles her with charm and wit]REALITY:
Me: “I hear the chicken is pretty good here.”
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Narcissist: I am God!
Nietzsche: I have some bad news for you.
I’m just eating cereal out of a bucket now, like a horse
My kids drop ice cubes on the floor, I dont pick them up anymore, I just wait about 30 minutes so I can lose it when I step in the water spot.
Sci-fi is when Wonder Woman fights villains from outer space, fantasy is thinking Wonder Woman will go on a date with you.
Life hack:
Do all the dishes after your kids go to bed so you can have clean silverware for the first 47 minutes of the next day.
my kid, carrying one small toy and a water bottle: mom, can you get my backpack, my hands are really full
me, carrying 8 grocery bags:
“Welcome to the Association Against Acronyms & Abbreviations, your office is this way…”
– “We should call it AAAA!”
“You’re fired.”
Work from home? I don’t even work from work.
Lola the dog and I have been exploring the new neighborhood, but only one of us took a big steaming dump on the neighbor’s yard.
She was mortified at my behavior but when you gotta go, you gotta go.
Marriage is hard, you guys, and anyone that says it isn’t has never been married to me.
I’m sorry the hint I dropped on you was tied to an anvil.
Imagining the Matrix pill scene if Neo bent down and ate the red pill directly out of Morpheus’ hand like a petting zoo goat and Morpheus completely froze weirded out
[listening to the neighbors argue through the walls]: mmw mmwm wmmw mwm mwwmm wwmw
mwm wmmwm wwmw mmwm
mwwm mmw mmwm mwwm mwmwm
me: oh stephanie you’re better than this
Playing ‘chef’ with my 7yo, he poured me an imaginary beer and said “the beer is always free here,” in case you’re looking for the best make-believe restaurant in town.
Me: NOT TODAY SATAN
Satan: But-
Me: Jesus, what did I just say?!
Jesus: To be fair he did say not today
I hope when I get old, my motorized wheelchair is fast enough the catch the ice cream truck.
My lack of pants is nobody’s business.
Magneto: Curses! How did you find my secret lair? Telepathy? Satellites?
Wolverine: every compass in town is pointing at you, bro, how do you not know this
oh so you rich guys throw the water out after you boil hotdogs. too good for hotdog soup. too good to dab the soup on your wrists like colog
Children; because how else could you collect teeth without seeming psychotic.
Don’t have your phone number posted on FB if you don’t want me calling you at 3am drunk asking for the recipe of that cobbler you posted.
*pats belly*
Stranger: Awww do you know what it is?
Me: Yes. Nachos.
Are my affairs in order? What, like chronologically or alphabetically or largest to smallest? Because then still no.
My ex DM’d me to say I’m acting creepy then unfollowed me. Luckily, I have his password so I just refollowed myself and told him he’s wrong.
Shepherd’s pie is the ratio of a shepherd’s circumference to its diameter
ME: [first day as a detective] Was the robber armed?
VICTIM: No
ME: *writing ‘probably a snake’ in my notepad* Thank you.
My mom: sure use any towel.
Also my mom: not that one.
Everyone’s gangster until they have to carry a leaking compost bag to the bin outside.
You: (tweeting something personal and profound)
Me: (replying to said tweet) *you’re
The most stressful part of my day is when my 5 year old shows me what he made in Arts & Crafts and I have to guess what it is.