I’m woman enough to admit when you’re wrong
You Might Also Like
Trying a thing where I convince my boss today is Friday. Wore jeans, asked about her weekend plans, emailed her the Friday cafeteria specials & wished her a great weekend. Happy Friday everyone!
Same post same
I have two years left on my looks. Four if I work out.
So 2 years.
Two eggs, some bacon, and a piece of toast walk into a bar. The bartender says, hey! We don’t serve breakfast here. #Tellyourworstjoke
Son: Did you know some birds mate for life?
Me: All birds mate for life. That’s the point, dummy.
“Why are people so willing to believe unscientific nonsense?” ask the editors of newspapers that publish horoscopes.
I would like to be a zombie because when someone asked me if I had a boyfriend I could just eat them.
Camping?
No thank you.If I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
[palm reader touches my hand and immediately gets a nose bleed and passes out]
me: what’s that mean
Did it bother anybody else that the guy from that “Operation” game was clearly wide awake?
God created childbirth so women could know how men feel when we have a cold.
My daughter can open just about any front door using a credit card, so your kids honor roll certificate seems a little useless right now.
Dolphins are cute and friendly, until you owe them money.
If I really wanted to end my life I’d probably do it by wearing a Star Trek uniform to the Star Wars Force Awakens premier.
bird to holiday ratio:
thanksgiving: 1 bird
christmas: 184 birds
easter: 0 birds but 79,379 eggs
Yesterday I asked my kindergartener what she did in school and she said “nothing,” then later I went on Instagram and her teacher had posted a picture of her holding a crocodile.
Therapist: You’re not really improving
Me: What if we pressed down on my foot and forehead at the same time and did a factory reset?
Therapist:
Me:
Therapist: well it’s worth a try
Padmé: Dating is scaring. I just want to find a nice guy who’s not going to murder me.
Anakin: You’ve chosen wisely.
Hangovers only happen to people who stop drinking.
Imagine working hard to buy a home and then, out of nowhere, deciding to let a bunch of tiny idiots live with you rent free. Welcome to parenthood.
Is Craigslist still around, or did everyone over there get murdered?
I like my men how I like my cheesecake, rich and straight to my behind.
Being an aunt is easier than being a mom. All fun. No disciplining. And I get to hand the kids back.
My my husband’s favorite thing is when I blame him for losing something that’s actually in my hand.
I feel kind of sad that in some countries children are starving and I’m over here eating spiders in my sleep like a god damn glutton.
ALIEN: [1st day on Earth wearing my hollowed carcass as a disguise & trying to blend in] COFFEE AMIRITE
*cracks neck*
*grabs bat*
*finishes juice box*
Ok. I’m in.
*appears in puff of smoke at a public pool*
“Warning, what you’re about to see may shock you!”
Hey! What are y-
*touches live wire to water*
My kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up
We need to keep kids off drugs. It’s hard enough to find them without kids buying them too