Today I learned just how long ten minutes are by doing an ab workout.
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“911 what’s your emergency?”
“Yeah, I’ve got so many questions about bees.”
*sighs*
“Please hold for the president.”
Everyone says they want a fairytale wedding. But when I show up and curse their firstborn, suddenly I’m the jerk…
Amaranth, bulgur, kamut, quinoa.…a list of ancient grains sounds suspiciously like an list of Elder Gods.
Babies get so disrespectful when they don’t want their pacifier
I believe it is important to be an organ donor, which is why I am willing to donate my second chin to anyone missing a chin.
Top three perverts that see you when you’re sleeping:
1. Santa.
2. God.
3. NSA.
We really are the most blessed generation. We’ve had 7 iPhones and 7 Fast and Furious movies.
*wakes up early on weekend
*makes 12 pancakes
*wakes kids up“Daddy, can we have waffles today???”
*eats 12 pancakes
Sure sex is great but have you ever made the right amount of rice?
7yo: I have a headache. Can you sit with me til I fall asleep?
Me: Sure, bud.
7yo: So when I die, will I come back?
Me: Now I see why you have a headache.
[overhears girl at work crying because her grandad & her dad died this month]
Me: not all men are like that
The birds that suddenly appear every time I’m near are circling vultures.
[to pharmacist getting my pills that make me stop talking about ET]
long day?
“ugh I can’t wait to go home”
know who else wanted to go home
Once again not all heroes wear capes
[The inventor of the hot air balloon]
You know what we need under this hot blazing fire, a wicker basket
BRAKING NEWS!!
“Life Is a Highway” has gotta be my favorite song about having sex with a road
one of the funniest things in the universe is lmfao making an album called “party rock”, followed by an album called “sorry for party rocking”, followed by them vanishing off of the face of the earth
I saw a guy and a girl doing high fives in a chemistry lab
and I thought, “wow they be bonding.”
5yo: “I can remember things really good. Do you remember things good too? You forget things sometimes.”
Me: “Not as good as I used to. I forget things as I get older.”
5yo: “Wow. You must be really old then.”
Morning sickness, but instead of being pregnant you just find mornings repulsive.
My husband accidentally locked himself out of the house, and I didn’t hear him knocking until I finished eating the rest of his cheesecake. So weird.
it’s sweet how my son likes to swing by and check on me when his rent is due
Cop – “Sir are your trafficking these children?”
Me – “No sir, they are my children.”
Cop – “ Then why are they screaming ‘HELP HELP, get me out!’ as loud as they can?”
Me – “Sorry, there was a fly in the car.”
Cop – “EWW, A FLY!!!”
“I Wish I Had Her Skin!”
– Teenage Girls & Serial Killers
Wife: I’m leaving with the kids if you don’t stop pretending our house is a hospital
Me: That would be great, we really need the beds
[olive garden]
HOST: when you’re here you’re family
DAD: brb gonna go grab some cigarettes
And where the back of the wardrobe should have been, one passed through until the air grew cold and one could feel the brush of pine trees. This Ikea wardrobe is terrible.
Me: *mopping floor* don’t slip
3yo: *walks by*
Me: *slips*
3yo: like that?
Me: just leave okay
I, for one, understand ingrown hairs. I too have seen the world and would like to go back to where I came from