To clarify:
DOJA CAT is a 25-year-old rapper, singer, and songwriter.
DEJA CAT is the strange sensation that you’ve seen a cat somewhere before.
Hope this helps!
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Swing states aren’t as much fun as they sound.
Me: His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy, there’s vomit on his sweater already, mom’s spaghetti
Build a bear employee: no we have nothing like that
Thanks to Garfield I learned that cats love lasagna
Thanks to my veterinarian I learned that cats are allergic to garlic
Call me old fashioned, but I never cry in front of another man unless it’s to get out of a speeding ticket…
[first date]
ME: That’s a pretty name.
CASSIE: Thank you!
ME: Is it short for Casserole?
Husband: You know how we could keep costs down on a really cold day?
Me: Setting fire to the house?
Made plans to exercise with a friend and now I have to go get in a car accident.
Sincere, like a compliment from a car salesman.
“What are you doing, Merlin?”
“He said he was cold.”
Me: I’m depressed
Doctor: I’m going to inject you with dog DNA
Me: How will that help?!
Doctor: Who’s a good boy?
Me: I AM
A woman on TV just said the great thing about cupcakes is you can make them with your kids.
Well, I still prefer flour, butter, sugar and eggs.
Me: *stands on one leg*
My flamenco teacher: No.
my only real opinion on adam levine is that if he inhaled helium his voice would get deeper
ME: it’s like we never see eye to eye
MY VESTIGIAL TWIN: lol that would be super weird
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
Age is a hoax perpetuated by Big Birthday Card to keep us from giving the same card every year.
COP: So what happened?
ME: He stole my watch & ran away down the road
COP: Can you describe it?
ME: It’s like a big path that cars drive on
If you love someone, tell them.
If they make a throat slash motion when they see you coming, it’s probably not reciprocated.
how do i become less stubborn? i’m willing to try nothing
1: Can I do the cancan?
2: You mean may, not can
1: Can I do the canmay?
2: No, the first can
1: Can I do the maycan?
2: No. May I do the cancan
1: No
*standing in front of my girlfriend’s house, holding up boombox above my head* HEY CAN UR DAD FIX THIS FOR ME
If people love cheese so much, why are they mad when someone smells like cheese.
When you meet a flat-earther in real life don’t bother arguing. You need to immediately outcrazy that shit. “Don’t tell me you believe in ‘Earth,’” you’ll demand.
Husband: I almost ate an entire pan of Rice Krispies treats.
Me: Almost? Quitter.
My wife wanted me to take her to one of those restaurants where they prepare the food in front of you.
So, I took her to Subways.
Cops don’t like it when you ask them “Need some help?” especially when you’re wearing a Batman costume.
People think Mt. Everest is the tallest mountain in the world, but did you know it’s actually the mountain of papers my kids bring home from school every day?
We should double tap 2020 to make sure it’s really dead
EVERYBODY NEEDS TO STOP WHAT THEY ARE DOING RIGHT NOW AND ACKNOWLEDGE THE FACT THAT I HAVE JUST SEEN A BEAVER.
My son had a rough day so I played Fortnite with him and the lesson that I learned is that I hate Fortnite.