Don’t name your car. It’s not a boat. Don’t name your boat either.
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my husband’s quarantine amazon cart: – fruit and vegetable seeds
– toilet paper
– educational toys for the kidsmy quarantine amazon cart:
– four (4) horse masks
– a theatrical quality replica of elsa’s dress from frozen 2
– a lifesize cardboard cutout of richard madden
I love travelling because I love to check if I have my passport every 3-4 minutes 🥰
Maybe I’m driving around with my coffee on the roof because I want to cool it down. YOU DON’T KNOW.
On my tax form I checked the single box but added “and looking”.
“One time God gave me a snack!”
– Our 4yo, & we think she was talking about church communion
It’s okay if you didn’t notice that I switched my beard trimmer’s setting from 6 to 5. The difference is stubble.
“When do we learn how to breathe underwater?” My kid, overestimating his swimming lessons.
[8 AM]
Me: Time to wake up.
[13 HOURS LATER]
Me: Time to go to bed.
Kid: But, Mom, it’s 9 AM.
This green smoothie tastes like God wants me to be fat.
Rule: If thou has a Macbook, thou shall always taketh photos of objects with the Macbook in the background.
Guy wearing Superman t-shirt. LOL. Way to blow your identity idiot.
Dear dogs, thank you for sleeping at night.
Dear cats, what the hell is your problem?
My youngest son can grow a beard even though his father can’t.
Score 1, for my facial hair producing genes.
Me *sees boy at school* ugh that kid over there is so annoying
Teacher: I agree but you still need to take him home
People are great at finding evidence that supports their beliefs while dismissing any evidence that contradicts them.
“Hi, how much for a slice of pizza?”
A slice is $2.50, and second slice only $1.
“I’d like 3 second slices please”
One of Jesus’ most impressive accomplishments was being 33 years old and still having 12 really close friends.
Got my first date of the year. i mean it’s a court date but I’m dressing up.
I love the National Park Service.
The only drawback to having your groceries delivered is now an unknown number people know my cake habits.
*holding banana up to my ear as if it’s a phone*
haha, get it?? it looks like i am making a phonecall. but i’m n-*banana rings* oh crap
Can someone Venmo me $74,000?
I’ll take you camping.
You guys realize “business up front, party in the back” is only about mullets, right?
I used humor as a defense mechanism.
Also bear traps.
You can’t be too careful.
My boss: we’re gonna have to let you go
Me: *shouting over Slayer* why?
Life hack: shave your head so you can sleep at your desk without messing up your hair.
I feel like Google doesn’t really work anymore.
i lost so much hair in the shower i thought Chewbacca had joined me
somethings never fade away, like a memory of your first dog, or that line on your stomach after you sit for too long.
Brewmaster: Get out of there at once!
(Me, splashing giddily in vat): IT’S OK I’M WEARING UNDIES