I wish other people my age weren’t so old.
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ME: I quit texting and driving after the accident.
HER: Were you hurt?
[flashback to 12 hot dogs rolling off the dashboard]
ME: So hurt.
[Rock Paper Scissors]
Rock: As if a scrap of paper could hurt me.
*Paper unfolds itself, revealing a message*
YOUR PARENTS NEVER LOVED YOU
Me: omg can you PLEASE chew with your mouth closed
Lion eating me: sorry
Me:
One of my moles: I shall grow a hair for you, master
If you really loved me, you’d punch bumblebees, buy me a pot belly pig and wash my Jeep with your ferret.
Saying it, is just words.
Yoda: In the Light Side, the real power is.
Luke: The Emperor controls the galaxy. You live in a swamp.
Most girls: “I hangout with guys, there’s less drama.” Me: “I hangout by myself. There’s no drama & I don’t have to wear pants.”
Bill Gates is giving 100k to help develop a better & safer condom. I don’t care how good it is, im not wearing a condom that says Microsoft.
*I reach for the thermostat*
*my dad runs in barking*
*neighbor’s dad starts barking*
*within seconds all the neighborhood dads are barking*
SINCERE STUPID QUESTION:
was peter parker funny and quippy like he is when fighting as spider-man BEFORE he got his powers also, or did he get some kind of enhanced spider-sense of humor?
ARE SPIDERS VERY FUNNY NATURALLY?
Hey I got your text but then I died, I’ll probably like resurrect when we accidentally run into each other though
The racist dove
Married a racist hen
And together they started
A coo clucks clan
Joined a street protest.
Suddenly a shot, panic and everybody started running.
3 hours and a gold medal later I realised it was a marathon
I decided to become a dad when I noticed how many kids never finish their nuggets.
Before you tell a woman her makeup is askew, be sure she’s actually wearing makeup.
9: I’m going to live with you guys forever
me: I don’t ever want to hear those words come out of your mouth again
If you do not brick up your chimney this year to keep Santa out, you’re not taking this virus very seriously.
Being married is mostly pointing out that the other person is always using their phone during the small window where you’re not using yours.
It be like that sometimes 😆
I dread doing laundry as if I didn’t have a machine that washes the clothes for me and another that dries them for me, as I do nothing
What idiot called it chicken broth when you’re sick and not pharmasoupicals?
A few years ago I began putting away a dollar everytime I wrote a good tweet about hedgehogs.
I need a new financial plan.
GUY: I wish girls liked comics.
GIRL: I love comics.
GUY: Oh really? Then what’s the Hulk’s favorite flavor ice cream?
Stop talking trash about marine life!
Sharks are POWERFUL
Whales are GENTLE
Crabs are RESOURCEFUL
Jellyfish are PEACEFUL
Dolphins
Octopi are VERY SMART
My son ran away again, but it gets worse. He changed the wifi password before he left.
People need to wake up and accept that Batman regularly commits tax fraud
I accidentally killed another cactus & now one of my plants is trying to grow towards the phone to call 911.
Jousting on horseback except both competitors have party subs.
Candy is dandy but Heather wears leather.
cop: we’re investigating the disappearance of your neighbor
me: i don’t know where dave is
cop: how did you know it was dave
[ups guy walks up] got an order for a human sized hamster wheel