Please let it be chicken..please let it be chicken
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Blind Date
Me: I’ve read “The Catcher in the Rye” 5 times.
Him: I like watching Swamp People – they catch gators. What are they catching in your book?
[later on]
Him to his friend: Nah she drinks too much.
me: *falling asleep*
youtube: check out these top 13 most gruesome spatula related murders
me: you have my attention
what if superman felt the same way about kryptonite as dogs do about chocolate, and people always had to shoo him away from it like, “no, no kryptonite for you, bad superman”
It’s not a beard, it’s an animal I’ve trained to sit very still.
We’re doing a “show your pets on zoom” thing for our work meeting. Taking my laptop under my bed so the writhing knot of silverfish can say hi.
It must be hard to judge a wet t-shirt contest. I saw one recently and all the t-shirts looked equally wet.
A polite way to signal to your guests that it’s time to leave is to start the dishwasher, turn off all the lights, and go brush your teeth.
The worst thing about being struck by lightning is knowing you deserved it
Whenever I see a job advertisement, I respond to it. It’s called MANNERS
Only whores show their boobs. Only uptight bitches won’t show their boobs. Please show me your boobs. Women are crazy. – men
Cavemen were like ‘kill two pterodactyls with one pstone’
I’m thinking about getting a mirror over my bed so I can watch myself while I’m eating cereal.
[driving]
ME: omg i need to go to the bathroom really badly
WIFE: ok we’re almost home
ME [panicking]: no, pull over to that mcdonalds!
[i run in]
ME: gimme two big macs fast, i gotta get home to pee
Under the age of one, babies primarily drink milk, but may supplement their diet with all the crumbs they find on the floor even though you swear you just vacuumed.
Everyone likes the guy who won’t tolerate bullshit until it’s your bullshit.
A lady asked me where my adopted son came from and I said if she doesn’t know by now where babies come from it’s not my place to tell her
I quit my job at Starbucks because of all the name-calling.
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
Latest election news: Donald Trump narrowly leads Hillary Clinton by 4 lies.
HBO gave me unrealistic expectations about how many woman would be named Siobhan
What’s the difference between a sweater and a jacket.
You wear a jacket when you’re cold.
You wear a sweater when your mum is cold.
#SweaterDay #RubbishJokes
It takes a big man to admit when he’s got a problem, but it takes an even bigger man to help me bring all these beers in from the car.
Establish dominance by bringing a Squatty Potty to a business meeting
This is my bus stop.
Poop your pants one time and suddenly you’re banned from the MacDonalds ball pit
A restaurant nearby was burglarized and concerned neighborhood residents awakened from sleep by the extra loud helicopter the police sent to deal with it are getting to the bottom of whether or not the restaurant’s food is good
Pescaterian: eats fish
Pestcaterian: eats insects
Pezcaterian: eats candy from a cartoon character
Century: 100 years.
Decade: 10 years
Lustrum: 5 years.
Together forever and ever and ever: 2 weeks.
Don’t have a house cat drive you to the post office. I know that now.
Yoplait
I plait
We all plait for foreplait.