Cop: I have bad news. It’s your son. You need to come down to the mortuary
Mom: But…how?
Cop: Maybe get a cab?
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You know you’re old when you get a “You up?” text….
And it’s 8:25 p.m.
[trying not to think about Sonic The Hedgehog during sex]
Her: faster! faster!
Me: oh god no
Liven up your gym routine by screaming “Jane! Stop this crazy thing!” while on the treadmill.
toothpaste is a big scam. if ur tooth falls out, it stays out. toothpaste Will Not paste it back in.
WIFE: you probably need a shower
KID: why? how do I smell?
ME: *without looking up* with your nose
[ no-look high five from WIFE ]
Sci-fi is when Benedict Cumberbatch looks like this and fantasy is when Benedict Cumberbatch looks like this
*performs CPR on the turkey*
The scariest sound is an unknown crash followed by my 9 year old yelling “It’s OK! There’s nothing wrong! You don’t need to come up here”
optimus prime: did she just wink at me?
me: i think she’s turning left
Damn, my printer is needy af. Always asking for more paper or more ink. I give and give and then it tells me it doesn’t think we have a connection.
If the chef tells me he made this with blood, sweat, and tears I’m calling the health department
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
Me: The company moved.
I: Where?
M: They didn’t tell me.
me: i miss being in a relationship im lo-
*elephant charges and runs me over*
me: *lying on ground* oh right that’s what it feels like, thanks for the reminder mr bubbles
*elephant trumpets*
[giving commencement address at graduation]
“My fellow graduates, the best life advice I have is: if you don’t already know how many calories are in a tortilla, never look it up”
[Stonehenge]
*Synth bass line*
*hooded figure pops out*
“Thiiiiis is hooww we Druuuiiid”
*other hooded figures pop out*
“It’s Friday night”
Neighbour mowed his lawn at 6am… Logic dictates that I should get drunk in the backyard tonight and try to learn to play the didgeridoo.
*Husband forgets to close screen on door*
*4 hrs later*
Me: *feels furriness on my leg in bed*
*rolls over*
Squirrel: *stares*
My nephew said the cherries in my refrigerator had gone bad. They’re moonshine cherries, so yeah, they aren’t exactly choir boys.
If you’re trying to kidnap me, just wave a bag of cookies and throw it in a windowless van. I will happily and hungrily follow.
There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.
not interested in dating apps, not interested in talking to random people in coffee shops/bars/shops… need my soulmate to find me through intuition and echo location rn immediately
BREAKING NEWS: Today I used a piece of wood that I kept in my garage since 2006 in case I might need it.
Mark Zuckerberg looks like he is secretly struggling to refrain from licking his own eyeball with his tongue.
If pulled pork is pulled apart, can we call sausages “pushed pork?”
[Audition for the musical Cats]
Director: Act like a cat for me
Me: I’m not doing anything to impress you
Director: Perfect
Quick! I’m doing my taxes. Is it normal to get $76,000 back when you make $60,000?
[date]
Her: I’m a chiropractor
Me: *under breath* whoa I thought they were extinct
Why are they called urinal cakes and not pisscuits
Every day, I win arguments from 10 years ago in the shower.