You can never really *own* earbuds. You just have to appreciate the time you had together
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Me: *throwing away all the lettuce*
Wife: oh, you already heard about the recall
Me: What recall?
The bar at our movie theater sells movie-themed drinks.
Imagine my dismay when I found out their Aquaman-themed drink wasn’t a Jason Mimosa.
Keep in mind that “The Cat in the Hat” is a lesson to your kids on how to throw a house party when you’re gone…
me: how do i get a girl to like me
dad: treat her like she’s the only one in the room
{ later at party }
man: does anyone know cpr?! this woman is DYING
me: [steps over them] hello, beautiful
Husband is watching a Hunger Games movie marathon with the kids.
Little does he know that while he’s at work all day, I LIVE the Hunger Games with these people. And it’s definitely a marathon.
ME: maybe it would spice things up if you surprised me with sex once in awhile
CELLMATE: no
How Am I Doing? I’ll Tell You How I’m Doing Volumes: 1-8
My mother is the strongest woman I know.
You should see how far she could throw a shoe.
A joke is only funny if both of you are laughing.
*and other lies we tell our kids
“losing/taking virginity”
– turns sex into an object
– places pressure on the decision
– you don’t actually lose or take anything ?“sexual debut”
– exciting
– all focus is on u
– suggests a musical number is involved
[garden of Eden]
Adam: you’d be so pretty if you smiled
Eve: think I’m gonna go talk to that snake
The sculpture of Amelia Earhart in the Burbank airport doesn’t give me that warm fuzzy feeling before flying.
Revenge is a dish whose photos I haven’t yet seen on Instagram.
using AI to expand this shot in Fast & Furious 6 and achieve the filmmakers true vision 😌🙏
My husband sneezed and now everyone on Nextdoor is asking what that loud noise was.
God spoketh unto Noah and The Lord sayeth “build an ark.” God spoketh once more and The Lord sayeth “Simon says build an ark” and it was so.
Now that I think about it, I don’t believe Arnold Schwarzenegger and Danny Devito were twins at all
The “quarantine 15” refers to the 15 pounds people have gained since the quarantine started.
I’m well into my third quarantine then.
(Shoots my husband in the eye with a Waterpik)
Me: How do you like it?
Me: How are you doing? Is our date starting to feel a bit awkward?
Her: Yeah, a little…
Me: I was talking to my mom!
Mom: No, I’m fine.
Find someone who will worry about you like the way my Amazon delivery guy does when I don’t order anything in more than two days
when you came back from the bathroom and your younger sibling had taken your spot on the couch
MURDERER: [looking for me] You better of hidden well or you’re dead
ME: [under bed, tears in my eyes] It’s better HAVE
Ladies, have you ever slept with a man because he has a big fish that he caught in his profile picture?
Your call is important to us…unless this is Bob again, calling to say ‘I CAN believe it’s not butter.’ We’re sick of your shit, Bob.
In bed a woman called me daddy so I called her son
Pronouncing words correctly is not my fort.
Hello and welcome to our “help! my toddler won’t stop crying because I wouldn’t let her nap with a slice of cheese” support group, there’s free coffee in the back.
I’m an ass man, myself. 100% ass. Made of ass & butts & that’s it. This thing that looks like a face? Ass. These fists? Little butts. Hi.
-Luca Brasi sleeps with the fishes.
-He has sex with fish?
-He’s dead.
-I’m not surprised. Having sex with fish doesn’t sound very safe.