my mom refers to crying as “squirting” and I, oh my god…..can you tell her
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Mom, you really should have taken the time to fix your hair this morning.
-my son, asking to be taken out of the will
I found an old avocado under the seat of my truck yesterday. It was guacamoldy.
the worst part of senior prom was definitely dropping my date and my grandfather’s ashes going EVERYWHERE
Pulls out flip phone, flips open, stares at screen, closes, clips back to hip.
Phone doesn’t even work; I do it for the ladies on the bus.
Wife: Why is there a bouncy castle in the garden?
Me out of breath with no shoes on: I’m not sure.
i once worked with someone who told customers “sorry, it’s my first day!” any time they messed up. for 2 years straight
These Valtrex commercials are confusing… Are herpes a pre-requisite for kayaking and rock climbing?
Me: Let’s go shopping
Him: Let’s stay home
Me: Let’s talk about our feelings
Him: Let’s go shopping
dad: *hands me a taser* only use this on someone who you’re sure is going to hurt you
me: *immediately tases myself*
NFT’s are played out. For the rest of 2022 we’re buying real monkeys, straight cash
YOGI: Close your eyes and breathe.
ME: [angrily rolling up my mat] I was under the impression this was a picnic and you were a talking bear
I don’t normally like to brag about expensive trips but I just got back from the grocery store, getting gas, and signing my kids up for summer camp.
What about “BusinessMyspace”? Nah, it’s taken. Okay, what about “LinkedIn”?
In my will, when I die…
To my ex husbands, I have left a shovel and a buried treasure in the Catskills. One of you already has the map.
Me: tushy tushy!
Fencing partner: IT’S PRONOUNCED TOU- *I stab him*
I was home alone the other day and was frightened by a very loud noise, then I realized it was just my stomach growling.
My family crest is a hand protectively shielding a slice of pie and a Latin motto that translates as “I’m still working on it.”
My sister FaceTimed me this morning and I answered hungover and obviously not looking the best and all she did was start laughing really hard at my face and then goes “ugh thank you I needed that!” then just hung up
The Macarena began playing through the dental office speakers as I lied helpless with the hygienist’s hands in my mouth today. #survivor
I push everything I have across the table and confidently call “all in”.
“Omg, for the last time, this is chess”
Today as a Random Act of Kindness, I wore a really tight sweater to work.
A case of yoo-hoos, canned spaghetti and xanax. I’m like a 6 year old with anxiety and a driver’s license.
People on dating apps always say they’re looking for a “partner in crime”, but when you try to organise a cock fighting tournament in their living room they suddenly “need to check with their landlord”. I already bought the roosters.
I’m an introvert but also a narcissist so if you could find a way to praise and compliment me without having to talk to me, that’d be great
me: why do you think my parents don’t love me
therapist: they’re pretty clear about it in the group chat
me: the what
How to be a beautiful woman*:
– Breathe fire
– have a 30 feet long wingspan
– keep your scales acid shiny
– sharpen your claws*Awesome dragon
Parenting is about lovingly tucking your kids into bed at night and still waking up with a small foot on your face.
[trying to do standup]
u kno whats funy–
[someone yells ‘society!’]
nno–
[entire audience starts laughig]
wait
[audience laughs louder]
stop
Have to get my driver’s license renewed today, so naturally I spilt coffee on my shirt.
Him: Has anyone ever told you that you look like Scarlett Johansson?
Her: No.
Him (detective looking for a Scarlett Johansson impersonator): You’re free to go.