A couch nap with a little kid on your stomach is the best sleep you can ever have. It’s like a weighted blanket whose college you gotta pay for.
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wife: Can we get a kids menu?
waitress *brings one*
wife
me
wife
me [already doing the maze]
wife: Can we get 2 kids menus?
The worst thing about that mime stealing my woman was when he silently laughed at me
8, peering closely at me: what’s that?
Me: my necklace
8: How do you know?
Do you know what really makes me smile? Facial muscles.
non-violent communication is so important in a relationship! instead of:
“you never take out the trash”
try:
“i FEEL like the spreadsheet i’ve kept for the last six months indicates you only took the trash out 3.2% of the time”
Darth Vader: *chops of Luke’s hand* You underestimated what I’d do if you touched the thermostat!
Luke: Wait, you’re my dad?
hate when i type some normal shit like “i’m walking the dog” and my phone is like “did you mean: i’m🚶♂️the 🐶?” no i did not mean that because i am not the zodiac killer.
If I can’t use finger puppets during my acceptance speech, then you can keep your Oscar.
Two blondes walk into a building… you’d think at least one of them would have seen it.
No chill.
A man messaged me on insta and said “you are not looking bad.” This might be the one, y’all
I wasted so many years trying to fit in, covering my accent, starving myself, straightening my hair, and trying to make others like me. The moment i realized that wasn’t freedom and said NO MORE, my entire life changed!! We are always enough as we are❤️
I just met a spider that jumped right at me when I tried to kill it.
And that spider just met a man that does not need to live in a home.
My kid has Monday off for what school is calling “Family Connection Time.” I’ve had 5 years and 3 summer months of that. Take my kid.
Just learned that the main guy from the Sopranos was named Tony Soprano what’s next you’re gonna tell me the guy from True Detective is called Tony True Detective c’mon
Me: I think it’s time to get rid of that beard.
Beard: Dude?! I’m like right here!
Me: Yeah, you becoming self-aware is part of the problem.
Answering this for men everywhere & this patient. Yes, it is unusual & incredibly icky to flirt with me while I’m checking your prostate.
Hey microwaves that make me hit a “time” button before I start pressing numbers: what else would I be trying to do here, make a phone call?
When I see someone texting and driving I swerve my car into them and try to run them off the road cause texting and driving is illegal.
Do people who eat sushi and sashimi know that fire was discovered?
“If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my Sven.” -Kristoff
DOCTOR: i have good news and bad news
SCHRÖDINGER: give me both at the same time
I joined Twitter to have something to do while I waited for the repairman. It’s only been 3 years, he should be here any month now.
[first date]
Her: I like my steak rare
Him: *trying to impress* I’ll order for both of us. 2 panda fillets please.
Trains are just sideway elevators.
My father has many healthy goats. All this can be yours.
Just realized I follow Barack Obama and he follows me back. Excuse me while I send the leader of the free world a DM about Harry Potter.
“As far back as I could remember I always wanted to shut an island” – Leo DiCaprio in Shutter Island
8 year old touching under her eye: Mom, what is it called when your eyes look tired?
Me: It’s “you have bags under your eyes” but you don’t have any, baby.
8 year old: I know, but you do.
Don’t cry for me, Argentina,
Keep your face dry, Dubai,
No tears, Algiers,
Or from you, Peru,
Now Oman, no cry.