Sad how shallow some women can be. I was informed the girl I like said she’d NEVER date a guy w/ a job like mine. Sorry I’m not some hot shot lawyer or doctor. Idk, maybe embezzling money from a children’s cancer research fund isn’t the most prestigious job but it pays the bills
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My son said he’d do something in a minute.
So far it’s been 185 days, 16 hours & 11 minutes but who’s counting.
In pretty sure my wife’s most prized possession is her plastic bag full of other plastic bags.
dishonorable discharge? you mean a yeast infection
Why didn’t Wile E. Coyote just spend all that Acme money to buy an actual dinner?
I’ve carefully avoided a running injury all these years by never running.
ME (an armchair psychiatrist): I think you’re crazy
ARMCHAIR:
“Four Weddings and a Funeral” is my favorite movie with 25% as many funerals as weddings.
Me: [gets coffee]
News: [election updates]
Me: [adds vodka to coffee]
‘I am your God, and now it is night!’ I say as I turn the fish tank light off.
when my therapist asks how i’ve been the last two weeks
I’m starting to think some of these Marvel movies might be made up.
I have a bumper sticker that says “Honk if you think I’m sexy!” Then I just sit at green lights until I feel better about myself!
My son turned 8 yesterday. I’m killin’ it at this parenting thing.
I will never have to admit to a mistake at work when I can blame the last person who quit
As a kid, I thought Simba was crazy to run after Mufasa was killed.
But, after watching so many true crime docs, I get it. It does look like he lured his dad to that gorge. Witnesses heard him sing “I just can’t wait to be king.”
A good prosecutor could get a conviction with that
Who called them mermaids and not scale models?
A piece of bacon fell on the heating element when I was taking it out of the oven and I saved it without a moment’s hesitation. So that rush of adrenaline that gives parents the strength to lift a car off their kid?
I get it.
My wife says move they’re honking, well they’re just going to have to wait until I count all my McNuggets.
Raising children takes a village, preferably one with many vineyards.
That awful panicky feeling of getting your face stuck in a turtleneck, but if it happened slowly over years, is basically how relationships feel.
Many hands make light work
A young Lil’ Wayne sits alone typing lyrics into Word 97 when a cartoon paperclip suddenly appears on-screen.
[Did you mean “digger”?]
I walk around my yard with a cane so my neighbors will never ask me to help them move something.
I can’t keep up with all of these fake national holidays. So on that note, Happy Merry Brother Sister Taco Baby Mama Daddy Cat Dog Ice Cream Day. Oh and Peanut Butter
#rubbishjokes
Noah’s diary – 39th day:“The dragon pie was really scrumptious.”
:office birthday party:
CW: Would you like to sign the card?
Me: Nah, just here for the cake. Karen will understand.
CW: His name is Joe.
Panda: am I too pudgy?
God: I have a better question.
Panda: ok.
God: what’s black and white and red all over?
Panda: I don’t know.
God: it’s you.
Panda: b-but I’m not red.
God: [leans in] you’re perfect just the way you are.
Panda: [blushing].
If you go into a bar by yourself and ask for a water the bartender looks at you like you have leprosy.
I don’t have a spirit animal. I have a judgemental chicken that’s followed me around my whole life shaking its head disapprovingly.
Why spend money on graduate school when my mom can give you the third degree for free