Dear Diary: Day 41 at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft & Wizardry. So far none of the other students have noticed that my wand is a Slim Jim.
You Might Also Like
Don’t you hate it when you trip and fall and an entire pizza accidentally jumps into your mouth?
There should be an “oh my god, shut up already” button.
Whenever I go to a restaurant without my kids, I feel like something is missing…
DOES ANYONE NEED THEIR TUSHY WIPED?!
got an email from old navy about the steps they’re taking to combat covid-19 so I guess the worst is over, and also tank tops are half price
I hate when you lose all that progress you made at the gym by going 6-7 years between workouts.
Her: I’m hungry. If you loved me you’d give me breakfast in bed 😉
Me: *hands her my emergency poptart from my pillowcase* only because ily
You know who brings a knife to a gun fight?
Cannibals.
And also a fork.
How to build a nested list
1) Start like this
A) Then do this
Bird: I live here now
2) Make sure to get the bird out
Bird: NO
The closest I am to my hunter-gatherer ancestors is when I am gutting an Amazon package.
Does anything good ever escape from a lab
Friend: How was your job interview?
Me: I think I hugged him too long.
Two mushrooms in a forest.
One says: “Hi, how are you?”
The other replies: “Shut up, mushrooms can’t talk!”
#RubbishJokes #WednesdayVibe
chasing after a ping pong ball is wildly dehumanizing
[ cooking class ]
teacher: first, we’re going to sweat the onions
me: *uncomfortably close to cutting board* where were you on the night of june 22nd
“It says on your profile you’re part of an orchestra? What instrument do you play?”
“Gun”
ME: we’re leaving in 15 minutes
KID1: im ready
KID2: readyME: ok time to go
KID1: i don’t have any socks
KID2: i fell in the toilet
“You scratch my back and I’ll scratch yours.”
Me: Are you sure you passed dermatology school?
All these new parents wanting time to slow down, and I’m over here trying to get a fake ID for my 4YO so she can go buy Mommy’s wine.
*Ghost Jail
Ghost 1: What’re you in for?
Ghost 2: Posession
Ghost 1: Nice
SUPERMAN: *putting on a bird costume with airplane wings* Now to really screw with them
due to circumstances outside of my control I ended up at an Applebees and let me say it is absolutely phenomenal to have gen z in the work force. the waitress held up a plate, wrinkled her nose, and went “I wanna say these are…ribs?”
*me, at the bank, mouth agape, looking around in child-like wonderment*
so, this is where my twelve dollars lives
[Biologists naming Eels]
b1: ocean sneks
b2: bitey noodles?
b3: what do the dolphins call them again?
not hearing back from people right away:
2002 – (two days later) They’re probably busy or out of town. I’ll catch up with them later.
2022 – (ten minutes later) ok clearly we are in a fight I didn’t know about
If covid had hit in 2007, there would be 1000 tweets a day saying “Covid has to isolate after being exposed to Chuck Norris.”
guy about to invent the cheese grater: you know what I hate? knuckles.
Me: so this is a weird photo shoot lmao
The cop who’s processing me: would you just shut up already
We had TikTok when I was a kid, except it was called ‘Funniest Home Video Show’, and everyone agreed that 30 minutes once a week was quite enough of it.
ME: Ha ha bro why is your wife named Purse Phone?
HADES: That isnt… thats not how you say it