Take the pressure off when folding fitted sheets by not folding the normal ones that well either.
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Will no one rid me of this turbulent poodle?
Some day, you too, will meet someone you want to spend the rest of your days without
My Cheese Blintzes exploded in my hair, and now it looks like I had more fun than I actually did!!!
In college I had 3 girlfriends at the same time. 10 years and a wife later, I have 0 girlfriends. Stay in school kids.
At least 20 people, including 17 children, were killed when gunmen stormed an army-run school in Peshawar, Pakistan.
[On the phone with the police for the 7th time in 2 weeks]
“Sir, again, we cannot arrest your cat”
Finally cleaned out the fridge to make meal planning easier. Tonight, we’re having buttered olives with mustard and baking soda.
[Rappers job interview]
Boss: What is your biggest weakness?
Me: My rhyme game is weak. I can’t speak. I’m a geek. Birds have feathers.
If you try to teach me a lesson I will flunk on purpose, how dare you
WIFE: You said you were going to put the dog down
ME: *in tears* I TRIED BUT HE HAD SOME REALLY DEVASTATING COMEBACKS
[neil degrasse tyson voice] the film is called Home Alone but thats actually a misnomer. in fact, kevin was joined in his home by 2 burglars
I baked a carrot cake that tasted so delicious that it improved my eyesight with just one slice.
I’m sorry I pretended to be one of those inflatable flappy arm guys when you leaned in for a hug at church today.
Me: His breathing annoys me. Always with the in and out and back in again. Like, enough already.
Marriage Counsellor: …
I warned my wife the tattooist was no good and sure enough she came back with disappointment written all over her face.
5 SECONDS AGO!
What do we want?
TIME TRAVEL JOKES!
When do we want them?
A few years ago I started texting joke ideas to myself and after a few months I found out I’d typed my own number wrong when I got a text back that “please stop doing this”
Billion dollar idea: Tea bags that are actually wine bags. Slogan: You already act like you’re God, now turn water into wine like Jesus!
Ate my wife’s chocolates & said they were coffee flavored because she doesn’t like those but guess what guys they weren’t coffee flavored.
I’m off to a 3yr olds party. There’ll be tears, tantrums and throwing up on the carpet. But enough about me, Im sure the kids will have fun.
Tell me you get it…🤣
Before we start our poker night, I’d like to take a few minutes and talk to you guys about these great new products from Tupperware…
We have a cricket in our garage and every once a while, to keep him entertained, I go out and tell him corny dad jokes.
Then I wait.
All I ask is to be buried with a walkie talkie, just in case.
me: [placing 20 bags of pizza rolls onto counter]
cashier: getting ready for the big snow storm?
me: snow storm?
*wakes up, peers outside*
*closes dumpster lid and goes back to bed*
*walking my 5 year old back from the bathroom
Lady: Your grand daughter is so cute
Me: She’s my…. Thank you
I found your suicide note and corrected some grammatical errors. You’re good to go.