I wish my car could shake off the rain before going into the garage,
just like a dog after a bath
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Been yelling just awful things at people, trying to improve my chef skills.
if your newborn baby has a full head of hair that means it is a business baby and is ready to enter the world of finance
What does a corpse and snow have in common? They are both cold and are hilarious to throw at unsuspecting children.
starting an onlyfans but it’s just videos of me trying to use chopsticks
[first day as a waiter]
me: do you have any questions
customer: *pointing at menu* how is this prepared
me: we laminate sheets of paper listing the food choices
THERAPIST: you’re running from something. what do u think it might be?
[goose outside the window does throat-slitting motion]
ME: uh—failure
“Can I get a do-over?” – Me, playing golf, tennis (or pretty much any sport), taking a test, having sex, making a speech, living my life….
i let my cat smell every wine i drink so she can get a job as a sommelier and help pay my rent
[jail]
Me: what are ya in for?Cell mate: Cannibalism. You?
Me: I licked ice cream at the store and put it back in the freezer
Cell mate: wtf man that’s sick
The cashier wasn’t impressed with my top hat, sash, and monocle until I said “Keep the change” from the $1 I gave him for my $0.95 purchase.
GF: So we just wanted to say we’re engaged!
HER DAD [looks at me] you should have asked me first
ME: You’re not really my type though
Bed salesman: I know it’s a lot of money but you spend 35% of your life on it.
Me: 35%?!?… amateur
A man threatened to sue a magazine for using his photo in a story about all hipsters looking the same — only to learn it’s not him in the picture
Called my boss this morning and asked if I can come a little later in to work.
He replied with: “Dream on!”
That’s very nice of him, right?
#RubbishJokes #FridayMorning
I told my grandmother to act her age…. then she died.
DOCTOR: have you been drinking enough fluids?
ME: that’s literally all I drink
My children can go an entire day at home without a glass of water but only 30 seconds in the car before dehydration sets in.
ME: I still think our hairiest son is my favourite
WIFE: First of all you shouldn’t have favourites and second of all that’s the dog
VEGETARIAN FRIEND: Can you believe these “mashed potatoes” are actually cauliflower?!?
ME: Yes. They taste like cauliflower. All of the things you make with cauliflower taste like cauliflower.
The worst part about being humble is that you can’t brag about it.
Don’t trust anyone that orders a Medium Pizza….
My kid drew all over my kitchen counter with permanent marker
Classic case of counter terrorism
I like getting new furniture because it’s important for children to have a variety of clean surfaces to color on
This is a little film called, “Trying to Describe Myself to My Lyft Driver So He Can Find Me”
If you aren’t happy single, you won’t be happy taken. Real happiness comes from The Cheesecake Factory, not relationships.
Wanted:
Someone to hand feed me Doritos so my fingers don’t get orange.
No weirdos.
Diet day 1
I have removed all the bad food from the house.
It was delicious.
When I die, I want to be buried with a few random animal bones so archeologists 1,000 yrs from now will wonder what the hell I was
My finance guy: I want to make the worst move ever with ur entire life savings.
Me: DO IT I DONT UNDERSTAND ONE WORD U ARE SAYING JUST DO IT
By iPhone 30, you’ll have a choice. Whether to buy an iPhone or an island in the Caribbean.