This EpiPen doesn’t write for shit. I’m not sure why this guy that handed me it needs it. He’s just flailing around grabbing his neck.
You Might Also Like
Edward Scissorhands was so sad because he wanted to be class president but no one would run with him.
If the British had won, today we’d all be celebrating the Fouurth of July
I am not an accident waiting to happen.
I am an accident.
Happening.
Me: so what’s your skincare routine like? your skin is practically glowing
Edward Cullen: it’s actually just this new diet i’ve been on
Wait for it…
This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.
Me: Boss our sales are really going updog.
Boss: You mean up?
Me: No, updog.
Boss: What’s updog?
Me: Not our sales. We’re bankrupt.
[police lineup]
Cop: Number 3, say, “Gimme your purse, you old hag.”
Me: You’ve got it wrong. I said “old woman,” not “old hag.”
Of course being a child is terrible .. They don’t give you any money and then make you watch commercials the whole time
KID911: wats ur emergency
SON: sister is staring at me
KID911: did you tell her to stop
SON: yes! she isnt even blinking
KID911: omg ok take a deep breath
KID911: now scream for mom
Cat: [I am the cousin of tigers, leopards, lions, panthers, and pumas]
Me: *putting tiara on cat’s head* you’re a pretty pretty princess!
Best thing about dead batteries is they are free of charge!
Him: Are you always this socially awkward?
Me: Only when I’m in my human form.
Him: So always.
Guy: Must be hard being named after the hay Jesus was born on
Christian Bale: What?
Whenever I hear snapping, I always fear I’m walking into a battle between rival gangs from West Side Story.
[at the club]
Me: I got the moves
Her: it’s “runs”
‘Drinking water successfully’ is out
‘Drinking water and letting it fall out the side of your mouth somehow and then down your chin and also to your shirt and oh god you’re sitting and the pants got hit too’ is in
*Opens a window and the wind blows 84 hamburger wrappers from my desk.*
“Oh no! My research!!”
Ways To Win My Heart:
1) Be smoking hot
2) Be thin
3) Be a pig
4) Be bacon
Where there’s a will there’s a way. You just have to be nice to your rich aunt
God grant me the patience to accept the people whose outfits I cannot change.
Celebrating christmas in another country, santa leaves a chicken cutlet in my boot. “Is that good?” No one will make eye contact with me.
My wife says I’m a clueless idiot.
I didn’t even know I had a wife.
*installs google translate*
*looks at Arabic tweets for jokes to steal*
*finds half my tweets doing better than mine*
The closest I come to hiking is when I eat trail mix.
I hate when people say it’s quarter till 11.
Just say it’s 10:75
I feel for my kids because for the rest of their lives, when they complain about anything, I’m gonna respond with: you think that’s bad, you should try raising children during a pandemic
[mailman delivering package to hospital]
DOCTOR: ah, just what the doctor ordered
MAILMAN: please stop saying that
Today I got yelled at by a bird. I don’t even speak bird.
WIFE: please come out of there so we can talk
ME: [from cardboard box] i’m sorry come out of where?
WIFE: [sigh] please exit the spacecraft