How come it’s called an “engagement ring” and not kneel diamond?
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They just announced step away from the windows at O’Hare because of a tornado warning and crazy storm, so about 10 people got up and walked towards the windows to take pictures.
Am I fun? No. Interesting? No. Dateable? Yes. I’d place me late 20th century.
You gotta love a man with a dog’s name and a dog with a man’s name.
“Hi, I’m Cody and this is my dog Steve.”
COP: *draws gun*
PARTNER: *looking over his shoulder* Someone needs to go to art school. Looks like a platypus.
You never see zombies lying around being lazy, so maybe we should EMBRACE the possibility of a zombie apocalypse. I think it could turn some of us into real go-getters.
Never use profanity. Unless you live on the East Coast. Where it is considered punctuation and shit.
all i’m saying is if you genuinely think the up-scaled gorilla would ever beat the NUCLEAR-POWERED GIANT LIZARD MONSTER in a fight then i fundamentally don’t understand you as a person
my co worker is getting married.
She said that she didn’t realize how expensive changing her last name is.
Her and her husband decided if they are going to spend money to have last names changed, they will choose something they both want.
Their new last name will be Nighthawk
Teens are like the Magic 8ball of humans, they think they have all the answers & you want to shake them because what they said was stupid.
Did you just pronounce “etc.” as “eg-sed-ra”, sir?
Nervous around the person you like? Sue them. They’ll be forced to see you in court, well dressed & in control. Let the law be your wingman.
the worst thing about getting attacked by a crocodile is that your friends will probably scream “watch out for that alligator!” and then you will have to explain to them the difference while it’s eating your face
James Bond is trending so here’s ROGER MOORE in the greatest celebrity story ever. #JamesBond
I replaced my old flat pillow that hurt my neck with a new fat fluffy pillow that hurts my neck.
Parents: When you finish the chores will you please look for a job.
Me: [painting the cat’s claws] Still a lot to do unfortunately.
In the original fairy tale Goldilocks also reads all their diaries.
Just finished my first painting.
Tasted awful.
Synonym rolls all look different but taste the same
Body: time to fall asleep.
Brain: hey that’s an interesting thought, here’s six billion more.
Remember when mowhawks meant you were a tough punk rocker?
Now they just mean that you’re 3 and your parents are idiots.
Was placed in charge of the group chat this week and I think I handled it pretty well
Good morning to everyone, especially those who don’t need to turn every tweet into a sexual innuendo, I know it’s hard, very hard.
Someday a baby’s first words will be “Please take this Ramones shirt off of me, I don’t like their music and this shirt implies that I’m a fan”
Having a pool is so neat. All of your friends are suddenly interested to catch up on the hottest days of the year.
Me: *pressed against glass* they can’t keep us apart, they can’t deny our love, you’re my lobster
Aquarium owner: *into walkie talkie* security
Me: *being dragged away* WAIT FOR ME LEONARDO DA PINCHI
“People probably won’t ever need to reseal this ever, right?” – brown sugar manufacturers.
the hulk is green because he’s not ripe yet
I heard that #TheDress debate has already destroyed 18 relationships. These people probably shouldn’t be breeding anyway.
Bachelor: Will you accept this rose?
Me: Do you have any food?
Seriously, if I were a manager at Burger King, my answer to every complaint would be, “You’re at Burger King.”