Toddler: happy birthday daddy!
Me: aw thanks buddy!
Toddler: it’s my birthday too?
Me: no your birthday is in December.
Toddler: IT’S MY BIRTHDAY TOO!
Me: no-
Toddler: TELL ME HAPPY BIRTHDAY!
Me: but-
Toddler: SAY IT!
Me: happy birthday?
Toddler: thanks daddy!
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If pain is fear leaving the body, what gets the stupid out?
Honey, I’m afraid we can’t get married anymore. weed_hitler69 just told me I was gay.
*looks at Xbox*
Thank you sir. You’ve changed my life.
Well tonight’s date night for me and the wife
I certainly hope we don’t run into each other
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A crab has one big arm because that’s the one he uses to bring all the groceries in.
Just because I have breast implants doesn’t make me a slut. Being a slut makes me a slut.
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Holy shit, I just saw my ex sister in-law get punched in the face eleven times with my fist!
turtle after a first date: want to walk me home well this is me
Anything can serve briefly as a boat. The key word is *briefly*
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(Teen Jesus Season Finale)
*TJ gracefully ascends into clouds*
*everyone is in tears*
*Mary M gets a txt*
TJ (txt): high af rn
I always use a short cut when I’m going to knife fight a midget.
They say too much sex causes memory loss.
I read this in a medical journal, on Tuesday, December 4th, 1995, at 2:45, in my doctor’s office. The man sitting next to me had dark hair, was wearing a blue shirt, and had a scar on his hand.
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Her: you’re like the opposite of joy
*forces square peg into round hole
Round hole: wrong hole.
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It made walls invisible, too.
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Let’s ride.
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Timber, dipshit.
… I now pronounce you husband and wife! You may now eat the onion ring
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Me: Hello darkness, my old friend.
Darkness: New phone, who dis?