“I Didn’t Want This But I Ate it Anyway to Keep Myself from Eating the Worse Thing and Then I Ate That Too”, an autobiography.
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🤬فقط في مصر 🤬
All 3 accessible parking places in the school parking lot were taken by parents without accessible placards. So I parked sideways behind them and blocked all three in with my placard displayed. 😘
Me: “I’d like to pay by card.”
Waiter: “Contactless?”
Me: “No, you can cuddle me.”
life hack: DO NOT TRY TO CUT CHERRY TOMATOES IN HALF WITH YOUR FOOD SCISSORS
*Emerging from a ten year coma*
Dad: Well look who finally got up
As the officer approached my car I took a big pull of helium from the balloon and started crying
I can count the number of times I’ve made my own fireworks on one hand. In fact, I have to.
I lost my virginity once and lemme tell you…
NEVER. AGAIN.
moses: watch me split the red sea in half
red sea: i’ve got a boyfriend
I like soap operas because you never have to wonder who the villain is, they are the one wearing an eye patch. No gentlemen pirates on a soap opera
Nike actually called me and asked me to stop doing it.
I’m going to leave the presents out and hide my kids in the closet until Christmas.
OPTOMETRIST: Better or worse? Better or worse?
ME: You don’t *have* to talk during sex
I’ve never learned anything from a good decision.
Ice cream cones are for when you would rather eat the bowl than wash it.
*stubs toe
*puts $100 in the swear jar
DOCTOR: [holding $5 bill] what’s this for?
ME: it’s a tip
DOCTOR: okay but you’re still dying
ME: [hands him another $5 bill]
Every time someone catches me eating cake, I tell them it’s my birthday.
Anyway, Happy 543rd Birthday to me!
At this point the angel on my shoulder just mutters “You’ll regret it,” then slowly sips whiskey.
If you’re a size 0 we shouldn’t be able to see you.
Why would you ask me for directions?
You just saw me walk into a closed door.
Cop: Lets go, boys, no meth in this house.
*zoom to fish tank*
Fish 1: *nods*
Fish 2: [taps on pirate ship] Resume cooking, Lenny.
*bubbles*
One day my neighbors will tell a news crew, “She was nice except she barked for an hour every night at midnight.”
[during sex]
gf: this is so hot, seth!seth macfarlane: shut up, I’ll do all the voices!
gf:
seth [feminine voice]: this is so hot, seth!
my son bet me that he could make a piece of paper fly farther than i could so he spent 10 minutes making the fanciest paper airplane i’ve ever seen. the look on his face when i crumpled mine into a ball and launched it across the house was priceless. sucks to be a loser lmao
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
(Recently turned) 14: Can I borrow the car?
Me: What? No!
14: Just practicing.
Yes liquor stores are essential businesses, today it was essential that I get port to go with my cigars.
By 33, you’d think I’d have figured out at some point along the way where to put my arms when I sleep.
Sometimes I vacuum not because I need to vacuum, but because I want my kids to leave me alone