YOU CANT GROUND ME, THE GOVERNMENT ALREADY DID
-Kids
You Might Also Like
On a girl’s vacation while drunk, we all bought hotdogs and then tried to give someone directions. I gestured so emphatically that I slung the wiener right out of my bun and into the street, and then ate it anyway because a $5 dog is a $5 dog. Follow me for more financial advice
“Where have you been all my life?”
In a secure psychiatric unit. Next question.
Got ya covered
My obituary will say “He always found himself being lured into uncomfortable social situations by the promise of food”.
The most disappointing moment of my adult life was when I found out a vaporizer is an e-cigarette and not a death ray that vaporizes people.
Because you can’t hang up in person.
Duct tape,
Just grow your own
Oh, lord. I brought my mouth with me to work today and it’s all sass. Prayers, please.
As an adult very few things are less humiliating than being caught in public trying to be cute for a selfie.
I stopped going to the beach because people kept mistaking me for a corpse and poking me with sticks
First date questions
1) are you married?
2) is someone married to you?
3) are you married without your knowledge?
4) is there someone that you’re attached to in a married way?
I met my wife through a mutual friend. Despite being together for 18 years, married for 14, in my head sometimes I still refer to her as “Alan’s friend”.
I can’t remember the ending of one single movie I’ve seen since they started selling booze in theaters.
🙈 See no evil.
🙉 Hear no evil.
🙊 Monkey beat-boxing
me waiting on an email: what the hell is taking so long, this is ridiculous
me, sending an email: this can probably wait another three weeks or so
every year on my birthday i take a bite out of this windowsill bc i get so excited
i have one speed and it’s mosey
Those who ignore history are doomed to repeat it…
…anyway, my son is taking history again this fall.
[playing the game of life]
instructions: the player with the most money wins
me: *eyes wide* this game is so realistic
I know my son will be a good dad one day, because I dropped a plate and he said “now things are getting out of hand” with a straight face
i made cheesy potato soup & my 5-year-old walked into the kitchen and told me it “stinks like a raccoon”
guys what if I accidentally brought home the wrong baby from the hospital because I don’t know if this one is mine
Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.
me: if you love something, set it free
wife: [stopping me from releasing our baby into the wild] don’t
I accidentally dropped my ID as I was showing it to the cashier at the liquor store. I bent down to pick it up and I must have made one of those old people grunts you make when getting off the couch because he said, “you’re good” before I even got to show it to him.
“Whats your biggest weakness?”
“I’m bad at taking compliments”
“Actually that’s quite endearing”
*Leaps across table, punches him in throat*
👾👾👾
Not only did I finally find my car keys when I sat down on the couch I also got my first piercing
[Death Row]
GUARD: last requests?
INMATE: a little heroin would be nice
TINKER BELL: *chloroforms guard*
INMATE: I meant the drug stupid
What they say: “Hey, have you lost weight?”
What they mean: “Hey, I remember you being a lot fatter. What gives?”
Wife: Sleep tight, don’t let the bed bugs bite!
Me: Haha funny.
[under the mattress]
Bed Bug King: TONIGHT WE DINE IN HELL *tiny drums bang*