Before towels were invented people rubbed themselves against the carpet.
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Careful, the circular motion you make with your hand to tell someone to roll down their car window is giving away your age.
“hey, aren’t you the guy from high school who would disagree with everything?”
no
*goes back to group of friends*
was it him?
“I don’t know”
just once i’d like to lay in bed nude and drink a cup of tea without an art class trying to paint my portrait
I love when I learn a new word and use it for the embourgeoisement of my vocabulary
You’re like if “nope” was a person.
I went downstairs to get my charger. I came back up with a bowl of ice cream and no charger. But, I’m okay. Thanks.
Just ONCE, I’d like took deep into your beautiful eyes, and make hot sweet love with you without some pop-up window ruining the mood.
Reckon the first person to make popcorn by accident probably ran away for a while.
People ask what personal grooming products I use. I just get whatever is on offer in the supermarket, so this week cat food & grapes.
I got a 20% pay rise this year. Not from my employer; they couldn’t afford to give pay rises after the big bosses got their bonuses. I just stopped doing any work on the one day a week I work from home.
me: hi, can you tell me which is the bride’s side?
lawyer: guests are not allowed at divorce proceedings
my grandparents were such a vibe in the 40s
“There will be blood” is my favourite movie about hoping you get your period after the condom broke.
It’s not a bad movie if you fell asleep because clearly you needed a nap, not a movie.
Coworker: “How’d you get that cut above your eye?”
Me: *Remembering dropping my phone on my face* “STOP ASKING ME ABOUT FIGHT CLUB!”
[day 8 of quarantine]
me: *hiding under the bed* too much family time
monster under the bed: lmao, why do u think im here
me:
monster under my mom’s bed: sweetie where’d you go? we’re gonna play monopoly again
monster under the bed: please don’t tell her im here
When the chips are down, don’t worry. The dog will get em.
He kept asking to see “more” of me but for some reason my colonoscopy results were “too much”
Foh
Can scientists please stop calculating pi to a million decimal places and instead get working on an instant hangover cure.
a few weeks ago I faked an Irish accent at the bar & ended up meeting a guy from Ireland that night. since then I contemplated if he was faking it or not & I just found him on tinder and his bio says if he gets drunk enough he fakes an Irish accent. I’ve found my soulmate y’all!!
I was awake around 4-5am because I needed to pee, but then somehow got my breathing mode stuck in manual versus automatic when trying to fall back asleep. What the hell, brain?
She said: “I want to have your children.”
.
Me: “They’ll be on the first bus in the morning.”
Lawyer: Just be confident in there and they’ll believe you
Me: Got it[Later]
Judge: Did you kill him?
Me *confidently* yes
Out of curiosity I decided to look at Pinterest, and I’ve decided it’s basically cyber-hoarding…
My front door has a reverse peephole so you can see me ignoring you
How’m I going to 80’s montage myself out of this one?
Trump worked his way up from nothing. He’s going to give every American the same 1 million dollars he started with. That’s all you need.
“What attracted you to our company?”
Well, I heard you pay money in exchange for work
My DNA test results finally proved what I knew all along; my mother was a can of diet Fresca.
My phone died at the gym and I had to do the elliptical with zero entertainment like the pioneers did in the olden days.