Not to brag, but it’s not even Halloween and I’ve already started my Christmas weight-gaining.
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[January 1, 0000]
Joseph: wtf just happened to the calendar?
Mary: so weird
[creating humans]
God: They will have a powerful immune system
Assistant: Boring
God: ok some will die from eating a peanut
A: Nice, nice
My doctor said I shouldn’t binge drink, so now I just drink all the time.
Jewish Baristas, or as I like to call them…
He brews.
Psychic: The one you love is closer than you think.
Narcissist: *looks into mirror* yes
ME: do dogs think we have three mouths because we pick stuff up with our hands?
VET: where exactly is your dog
ME: he’s uh coming later
My favorite game to play after shaving my head is “How much lint did I collect by the next morning?”
When kids try to guess your age it will either be completely flattering or utterly devastating, but never correct.
{Prison Diary Day 7}
Nobody is respecting the Swear Jar
Granny said “alright now, if she fall that’s it for me” 😭
Him: I’m trying to scare away a crow with a gun
Me: how…how did a crow get a gun?!
A kleptomaniac in a bakery really takes the cake
HR informed me that grabbing Janet’s face because she was popping her gum is not “appropriate” but guess who’s not popping their gum anymore?
Maybe your grandma covered her furniture in plastic because she was a murderer. You don’t know for sure.
13: Can I have the password for Amazon?
Me: Certainly, honey. Ready?
13: Yep
Me: I-N-Y-O-U-R-D-R-E-A-M-S
[invention of spaghetti]
Inventor: i made them very long
Wife: they still fit in a pot though right?
Inventor: lol no why
The 6th day of xmas was the worst day of xmas bc after getting 5 golden rings she thought he moved on to jewelry & did not expect more birds
*first day as zookeeper
(letting animals out) “Go, mingle.”
On a scale of “glass half full” to “no plunger in your bathroom”, how optimistic are you?
11-year-old: We had a standardized test all morning.
Me: What was it testing?
11: My patience.
I don’t always announce myself on conference calls but when I do it’s always at the exact same time as somebody else.
Why are you screaming my name? I’m right here..
Having sex is weird.
[millipede preschool]
head, shoulders, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes…
Twitter should disable deleting tweets and add a regret button instead.
kids today are like “so what did y’all do before the internet? did you just not know anything?” and the answer is yes. you would ask your aunt Marge a question, she’d give you the wrong answer and you’d carry that misinformation for twenty years.
That touchdown dance is exactly the same as mine when I wake up in a guy’s apartment and his furnished apartment has a nice view.
Some think kids are selfish, but when 8 sees I’m carrying too much stuff at once, he comes over and gives me a lengthy explanation as to why Black Panther could beat Spider-Man.
My favourite part of today was when my kids hugged it out and then checked their backs for kick me signs.
Please stop inviting me to bars where I have to stand up the whole time I’m not a dairy cow
5: I’m going to hide my toys in this drawer.
Me: That’s where they go. It’s called “putting things away.”