I am very, very sick but a neighbor just rode his bike down the street screaming “WE ARE NOT GETTING ANY MORE ANIMALS!!!” while being chased by his 3 small children on their (decreasingly smaller) bikes who kept chanting “HAMSTER! HAMSTER! HAMSTER!” and I had to share
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If I ever spend over $300 on shoes, they better have some James Bond shit in them.
I could never live off the grid. Crunchwrap Supremes are found exclusively on the grid.
My workout routine? You mean hunting for the tv remote?
PSYCHATRIST: wat do u see
ME: a rorschach test
PSYCHATRIST: and this one?
ME: a inkblot used to test my psyche
PSYCHATRIST: (starts sweatig)
Plumber: you have hard water.
Me: you mean like ice?
I only shop at yard sales for haunted family heirlooms & lingerie.
When James Blunt says “I saw your face in a crowded place” it’s so outdated like wtf is a crowded place
Do these panties around my ankles make my eyes sparkle?
ME [introducing my family]: this is my brother paul, he’s a geologist. this is my cousin sue, she’s a cosmetologist. and this is my *eyes narrow* uncle louis, he’s a racist
LOUIS: uh, race car driver
ME: that too
I never see trophy hunters posing with like, dead mosquitoes. are you trying to impress me or not
Asked a guy in the garden area of Home Depot if he had anything that won’t die.
He replied: My Mother-in-law!
We fist bumped.
bible: love thy enemy
me: loves carbohydrates
My vocabulary can beat your vocabulary’s ass, arse, bum, buttocks, rear end, booty, backside, tush, tuckus and badonkadonk.
Someone just quote tweeted me to call me pretentious, but they misspelled it. I’d correct them but…
After getting married, my wife used to joke that she will now have sex with only one person for the rest of her life.
Turns out she was talking about her boyfriend.
Worst Native American name ever.
You want real 2020 energy? I went to the woods to avoid COVID and now helicopters are flying over my cabin because a killer is on the loose
Be to, or be not to, the question, that is.
– Yoda does Hamlet
I’m so poor, the ducks are throwing bread at me.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Instructions in the Men’s Room for hand washing. Because non-hand washers can’t be bothered unless there’s an opportunity to learn stuff.
Sad how some stick figures get stuck working the hangman game, while others get to have nice families on the back of SUVs
Clueless is my favorite movie about how rich people have real hard problems too
Great books in 140. The Great Gatsby. In 1922 a mysterious millionaire is obsessed with a now married former girlfriend and has to be shot.
How can I get invited to one of these knife fights everyone keeps talking about? Can we do it over zoom
dad, why does my cake say “we dont want a talking cake”
“its a long story son”
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
I like to send little notes in my kid’s lunchbox, like “Sorry the Wheat Thins are stale, that’s what happens when you leave the box open.”
It was an unfortunate incident, but at least Doug learned he should never lick his light saber after using it to cut chocolate cake.
Kids: the floor is lava!
Me: *slowly rolls off couch*
bouncer: can’t let you in. try the place 5 minutes down the road
guy: do you know who i am?! i’m usain bolt!
bouncer: oh sorry, 2 minutes down the road