I do this weird thing where I feel fabulous then I have to get out of bed
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Social media is proof that even when you fire your gun in the air, someone will pretend one of those bullets hit them.
PARK RANGER: to be a guide you need to be able to name all the animals
ME: no problem
[later w/ a group]
ME: that’s Greg, & that’s Linda…
Wife: I’m going out now
Me: Wait! Where are you going?
Wife: Yes.
*door slams*
You ever randomly hear your mom singing ‘Candy Shop’ and then die a little inside?
I’m gonna start sending women unsolicited pizza pics.
Most forest fires are started when someone runs with corduroy pants on
I wish I hadn’t bought so much Encyclopedia Britannica stock in 1999.
Prosecutor (showing slide): Is this your Yelp review history?
Me: Yes but
Prosecutor: 26 proctologists?
Me: What you have to understand is
Prosecutor: You described this one as “pleasantly judgmental”
But seriously- how do Superheroes even go to the bathroom?
I mean, look at their costumes.
[date]
HER: Do you like Star Wars?
ME: Of course
HER: Which character do you identify with?
ME: *leans in close* The complete void of space
I’m no expert guys but with the amount I trip and fall off things… trust me i’d know if the Earth was flat
your childhood ends the moment you learn it’s not called “duck tape”
$4.99 for a box of saltines? My neighborhood grocery store thinks it’s a Whole Foods now.
[Couples counseling]
“It’s not good to keep these things bottles up, you know”
Okay, fine
*opens jar of wasps*
If you’re trying to lose weight but you’re starving, eat a banana. I’ve had 73 of them today
Walmart greeters check and barcode returns now before you go on to customer service. So at least two people will know I ended up not needing that maximum strength ex-lax after all.
Spotify should have helpful mental health suggestions like “your top listens are Taylor Swift and true crime, go to therapy”
The fact that folks get so riled up over nudity but aren’t upset that anybody could be carrying a gun makes me want to shoot people.
Nobody’s abs are good enough to convince anyone to move to Iowa.
My family’s superpower is filling the recycle bin within 5 minutes of me emptying it.
It’s kind of an ongoing competition between me and this cactus to see who can drink less water
I woke up with a horse’s head in my bed. And straw. And the rest of the horse’s body. And cows. And a tractor. And this is a barn, I guess.
If you dropped a can of Heinz Alphabet Spaghetti off a skyscraper it could spell disaster.
I know a girl that can hide eggs where your kids will never find them.
marriage counselor: you can’t run away from your problems
me: [leans forward, whispering] what if she gave me a head start
wife: I can hear u
Mimes are known to commit
unspeakable acts.
Sex scenes in movies are okay but the audience MUST BE WARNED. A red flashing light, words on the screen saying WARNING: SEX SCENE AHEAD and a loud ‘awooga! awooga!’ type siren would be a good start
Me: the cords are tangled.
Brain: pull at them.
Me: shouldn’t I just untangle them?
Brain: pull at them violently.
So many homophobes turn out to be secretly gay that I’m nervous I’m secretly a giant spider
meanwhile underwater, fish scientists continue to be baffled by rain. “it’s like the sky is pretending to be the ocean because birds are jealous of us,” said one bluefin tuna wearing a lab coat