no of course i don’t laugh at my own jokes. i also cook food i’m allergic to and buy clothes that make me look like shit
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“If you’re happy and you know it, Stay in Bed. If you’re happy and you know it, Stay in Bed. If you’re happy and you know it, getting up will surely blow it. If you’re happy and you know it, STAY IN BED!”
Babies are just like turtles, keep them in water and also feed them turtle food.
They got a point!
Parents, stop giving your kids these crazy names. I just found a love letter my son wrote to a girl named “Steven!”
I read that peacocks “are obsessed with food and can become extremely aggressive when you dangle french fries in front of them”.
See you all later. I’m moving in with my new family now.
Misread the movie guide and thought the movie about to start was Allen vs Predator, and I was like, “you got this, Allen.”
ME: [running for my flight]
PILOT: [leaning out cockpit window] JUST GIVE UP
I can’t divorce my husband right now. I just ordered a new cabinet from Ikea.
Wish my husband got a check from the NFL for all the refereeing he does from his recliner…
financial advisor: what are your retirement goals?
me:
I love it when all my iPhone apps tremble in fear when I’m about to delete one of them. Makes me feel like God.
[sending nudes] I swear it’s not gonna be a photo of my cat
WIFE: I’ve child-proofed the house
*our child walks in*
ME: Yeah, great job, Linda
Just killed a giant fucking spider with my wife’s bare hand.
[paying at chipotle]
ME: i got a burrito
CLERK: that’ll be ten dollars
ME: with guac
CLERK: that’ll be ten thousand dollars
Remember that time when you didn’t call, & a giraffe round house kicked your neck, & you fell off a merry-go-round & died?
So sad. Really.
“Here taste this ” followed by a 32 minute speech on all the ingredients.
My kids said they wanted to try something new this summer so I showed them how to vacuum & do laundry.
waiter: any questions?
me: did courtney kill kurt??
him: uh, about the menu?
me: LOL i seriously doubt she killed him about the menu
SANTA IS WATCHING! Me, a Jewish mother, to her children in September.
I am so used to automatic doors at work that when I come across one I have to physically open I just stand there like a dummy
My husband fills the Halloween candy bowl early, expecting I’ll have no willpower and eat it all within 4 days, but joke’s on him this year: I haven’t touched it, I keep 2 bags of candy in my night stand.
*takes bite of cookie*
Aw man this is awful
*takes another bite*
Still bad. But I better eat the rest to see if it gets better
I’m at 7%. My phone too. We both will probably die before I get off work.
Dating tip:
Girls love mysterious guys. For example, tell her “Im a lawyer.Or AM I?” then hum the Twilight Zone theme and turn into an eagle
Him: Can you turn on the wifi?
Me: *does a seductive dance in front of the router*
Does laundry while drinking
*somehow washes a lampshade
Her: I heard you got super glue on your fingers, are you okay?
Me: 👌
Important news x ( everyone needs this on a Monday morning )
There’s a Canadian on vacation somewhere in Florida right now telling everyone they meet Y’ALL DONT KNOW WHAT COLD IS